The Broken Road
by JerichoSteele
Summary: Everything doesn't go according to plan in the body shop and Kensi's actions afterwards damage the 'thing' between her and Deeks. Will this be the end of Densi as we know it ... maybe. An alternate story-line for the beginning of season 5. Rated "M" for language and sexual situations.
1. Breathless

**A/N: When the first promos for episode 1 of season 5 of NCIS: LA aired, some of the scenes were not what they appeared ... mainly, Deeks getting shot for real instead of it being faked. This story popped into my head and I decided to run with it for a little while and see what happens. I'm a Densi fan all the way ... but I also know that one misstep can ruin the best intentions and destroy something beautiful. I hope you will keep this in mind as you read this ... and I apologize in advance for all of the pain and angst in this story.**

**I own nothing ... Shane Brennan and the wonderful people over at CBS own all these wonderful characters.**

**...**

* * *

...

**Breathless**

The sand she was sitting on had turned cold as the sun had set long ago. The waves were lapping at her toes but she didn't seem to notice, her mind was absolutely numb by what had just transpired. Stunned wasn't enough to describe how she felt ... empty ... hallow. She had tried to prepare herself for this moment, even though she had hoped, deep in her soul, it wouldn't turn out this way. All the times he had been there for her, right there beside her, through everything she had put him through ... this had proven to be too much for even his stout heart to bear.

Her tears had dried up long ago, she had no more to shed. Her choking sobs from earlier had caused her chest to ache slightly and her ribs protested at her sitting position, but she didn't plan on moving. For a moment after he had walked away from her, she had contemplated chasing after him but she instantly realized it would have been a futile effort ... he was leaving, he was practically gone from her life already ... and she was the one who had pushed him away. Her defenses had always been paper-thin for him ... he had just walked through the walls that had turned every other man away at the beginning of any type of relationship with her. Every obstacle that she hurled into his path, he easily traversed time and time again.

She knew to claim her heart had always been his goal ... from the first days of their partnership, through the years of earning and fortifying their trust in each other, almost losing each other more times than they liked to remember ... he had succeeded where all others had failed. _Failed ... _none of the others had even been in the same level as he had ... no competition whatsoever.

Then she had pushed him to finally say something he really meant ... something that couldn't be laughed off or classified as part of the job. She had listened to him have to flirt with that woman, Monica, and she had to restrain herself from knocking the woman's head clean off her shoulders when she had questioned how much she trusted him. She did ... she had ... for far too long without telling him to his face. She trusted him with everything ... and she was about to trust him with her heart ... when an arms dealer betrayed him into the hands of a man who knew how to get answers.

When they told her that they had lost communication with him ... all she could feel was his lips on hers ... soft, warm, inviting ... loving, trusting, pleading. She could still feel his hands as they cupped her face ... the way his breath felt against her skin ... the way his scruff tickled her cheek as he pulled away from her and said, "How's that for communication?" The honesty had stunned her ... she shouldn't have been surprised, he was always doing things that didn't fit neatly into anyone else's plans.

Then she was running into a dirty body shop and there he was, tied to a chair ... motionless ... bleeding ... and the world she had none for almost thirty years ceased to exist. She couldn't breath ... she could barely speak ... until she saw his chest rise in a shuddering gasp. She called to him and he had looked up at her with a look that shattered her heart and pulled every bit of herself out into the open. But she had to leave him there ... bound and bloody ... even after he begged her to get him out of there. Setting the blood packs and squibs had taken only a few moments and she had turned to leave with Granger ... and her partner had choked out one last plea for her to save him ... and she had steeled her heart against the pull of his words and she had walked out without even looking back at him.

And now, he had walked away from her ... leaving her alone on a cold Los Angeles beach ... taking her world with him. She couldn't blame him ... not one bit. This was all on her. She had practically begged him to say something he really meant ... and he had, leaving no doubt as to what he wanted them to be. The kiss had left her breathless as she followed after Michelle and even when she was taking out the Russian Barbies ... his lips on hers had been all she could when it was time for her to show him something she really meant ... she had blown it. Not just tossed a hand grenade at his heart ... she had gone the full distance and tactically nuked him while he was defenseless and alone.

Even her friends and coworkers were stunned at her actions ... unable to comprehend what would drive her to do what she had done. They were still barely speaking to her and she feared it was just a matter of time before Hetty sat her down and told her she was no longer able to function as part of this team ... that she would be better off transferring to another office, maybe even another city or state. And, really, maybe that was for the best. Everywhere she went ... her apartment, the beach, work, the taco stand ... memories of him would be there to plague her, even torment her over what had been just within reach ... but now was nothing more than ashes in the wind.

He had made his move ... laid his cards on the table ... showed her his hand.

She had flipped the table over and destroyed what could have been. A moment of weakness and fear on her part ... and he was gone from her life. She turned to look to where he had walked away ... his footprints still imbedded in the soft sand, the only sign that he had been there at all. Part of her wanted to scream into the darkening sky that he was just like every other man in her life that had walked away and left her ... her father ... Jack. This time was different though ... this time, this man had left because she hadn't given him much of a choice ... he had even said so when he was telling her good-bye. She had pulled him in only to throw him away like he wasn't important to her at all. Her last, pleading words had fallen on a deaf heart .. her actions had spoken volumes, thundering louder than any tear-stained apologies could overcome.

Laying her head on her knees, she watched the incoming tide slowly erase his footprints until nothing remained but some soft depressions that resembled nothing. The imprints on her heart were still strong though ... carved into her like granite. He would always be a part of her ... no matter how far he went or how much it hurt to watch him leave.

Soon, she would pull herself up and find her way back to her place. She would drown her sorrows in a few beers and maybe some cold pizza if her appetite ever returned. The lights would stay off and no recorded "America's Top Model" for her ever again ... she wouldn't be able to watch without hearing his running commentary about the future divas that were being groomed on the show. No one would be waiting for her to talk about what a crappy day she was having ... no one to ply her with a secret stash of Twinkies just to make her smile. No more "Fern" or "Princess" ... no more coffees made just the way she likes them without her giving the exact directions on how.

No more silly smirks or stupid jokes ...

No more _touche'_ or fighting over the radio station ...

No one to wrap his strong arms around her and just let her be who she is ... or was.

No more ocean blue eyes that could calm the raging sea inside of her soul ...

No more kisses that left her ...

Breathless.

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_..._

_From the next chapter:_

_Kensi must have misheard what Callen was trying to tell her. "Shot? What the hell do you mean 'shot'?"_

_Callen grabbed by her shoulders, knowing that his next words were going to hit her like a Mack truck. "The squibs worked fine for Sam, but before Michelle could get over to Deeks ... " Suddenly there was a knot in his throat the size of Nebraska and he couldn't say the rest._

_Kensi folded her arms across her chest and sent him her darkest glare, but when she spoke, she was almost hysterical. "Callen ... what happened? It was all planned ... Granger and I planted the squibs and the blood packs ... Michelle fakes shooting them so Sidorov would trust her ... what went wrong?"_

_Callen swallowed and glanced down at the floor, unable to stand her piercing gaze. "Before Michelle could do anything ... Sidorov's man went over and shot Deeks twice in the chest."_

_Kensi's world stopped moving ... the air in her lungs turned to lead. "No ... no, no, NO! He was going to be fine!"_

_Callen reached out and tried to pull Kensi into his arms to try to calm her down, but she grabbed his biceps and held on tightly. "How is he?" Her voice sounded like that of a small child._

_"It's ... it's not good Kensi ... they were performing CPR on him when they rushed them in here ... they won't say anything yet."_

_"Oh God! ... Oh my God! Callen ... I left him there! He begged me to get him out of that chair and I left him!" The tears came of their own free will and she made no effort to stop them. She lowered her head and Callen pulled her to his shoulder. "Please God ... this can't be happening ... not now."_

_All the team leader could do was hold his friend in his arms as he felt his own tears start to fall._

_..._

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_..._

**A/N: Don't hate me, don't hate me, don't hate me! This is a work in progress ... so wait until the end to decide if you want to hunt me down and cut my heart out with a spoon. If you want me to continue ... please let me know.**

**Semper Fi**

**JS**


	2. Just Fine

**A/N: I've taken the liberty to change parts of the canon of season 5, episode 1 to make this story work ... again, I own nothing.**

...

From Chapter One, "Breathless" ...

_Soon, she would pull herself up and find her way back to her place. She would drown her sorrows in a few beers and maybe some cold pizza if her appetite ever returned. The lights would stay off and no recorded "America's Top Model" for her ever again ... she wouldn't be able to watch without hearing his running commentary about the future divas that were being groomed on the show. No one would be waiting for her to talk about what a crappy day she was having ... no one to ply her with a secret stash of Twinkies just to make her smile. No more "Fern" or "Princess" ... no more coffees made just the way she likes them without her giving the exact directions on how._

_No more silly smirks or stupid jokes ..._

_No more touche' or fighting over the radio station ..._

_No_ one_ to wrap his strong arms around her and just let her be who she is ... or was._

_No more ocean blue eyes that could calm the raging sea inside of her soul ..._

_No more kisses that left her ..._

_Breathless._

_..._

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_..._

**Just Fine**

_Three months earlier ..._

Owen Granger couldn't drive fast enough to the hospital were they had taken Detective Deeks and Agent Hannah. Well, at least not fast enough according to the very agitated brunette currently ripping the inside door panel off of his car. Every two or three seconds, she would look up from where she was resting her head on her knees, fight the urge to throw up and ask him if he could drive any faster ... well, she didn't as much ask as she _told _him to drive faster.

Sidorov and his man were dead, they had the location of the nukes and they were being secured at that very moment ... but something had gone wrong back at the body shop and even he, the Assistant Director of the Naval Criminal Investigative Service, couldn't get a straight answer from anyone. He suspected that the reason Beale and Jones weren't saying anything over the open channels was because they knew Kensi was with him and the news was about her partner. He hoped he was wrong ... he rarely was ... but he prayed that this was one of those times.

The hospital finally appeared at the end of the street and he actually felt his companion's tension escalate to unhealthy levels. He heard her breath becoming more erratic and he feared that she may actually hyperventilate and pass-out before they were even parked.

As soon as the car slowed enough, she bailed out and sprinted in through the sliding double doors were she frantically looked for any familiar face. A nurse, who apparently knew what or who she was looking for, quickly pointed to a set of doors on the other end of the emergency room, the words 'Trauma' posted above them. Kensi spun quickly and disappeared into the other part of the medical center. Rounding the corner, she ran into someone who grabbed her by the arms and held her still. She started to struggle away from them when his familiar voice pulled her from wherever her mind had been.

"Kensi ... hey ... Kensi!" Callen tried to be easy with her but he had to raise his voice slightly to snap her out of it.

When her mis-matched eyes locked onto his steel-blue ones, her world began to come back into focus. "Where is he Callen? What happened? Why won't they tell me anything?"

Callen hated seeing her like this, but the news he was about to give her was only going to make it worse. "Kensi ... look ... I need you to calm down and take a deep breath, okay?"

Kensi stopped struggling against her friend's grasp but she was still glancing frantically around the trauma area. Callen's firm grip grounded her and she felt some of her apprehension draining from her mind. She closed her eyes and took a long deep breath, letting it out slowly.

"Alright ... that's better." He tried to sound confident and calm ... he knew he failed miserably. "I need you to listen to me, okay?"

Kensi looked at him and nodded her head gently, sensing that the next words out of his mouth were ones she was likely to dread.

"Sam's going to be okay ... a little lung damage and some skin burns but he's going to be fine."

Kensi clutched at the sleeves of his shirt. "And ... Deeks? What about Deeks?"

When he looked down at the floor, she felt her legs go numb. Callen caught her as she started to fall and eased her down into one of the plastic hospital chairs situated against the wall. "Look at me Kensi ... "

She turned her watery eyes up to look at her team leader, hoping that whatever it was ... it wasn't all that bad.

"Deeks was shot."

Kensi must have mis-heard what Callen was trying to tell her. "Shot? What the hell do you mean 'shot'?"

Callen grabbed by her shoulders, knowing that his next words were going to hit her like a Mack truck. "The squibs worked fine for Sam, but before Michelle could get over to Deeks ... " Suddenly there was a knot in his throat the size of Nebraska and he couldn't say the rest.

Kensi folded her arms across her chest and sent him her darkest glare, but when she spoke, she was almost hysterical. "Callen ... what happened? It was all planned ... Granger and I planted the squibs and the blood packs ... Michelle fakes shooting them so Sidorov would trust her ... what went wrong?"

Callen swallowed and glanced down at the floor, unable to stand her piercing gaze. "Before Michelle could do anything ... Sidorov's man went over and shot Deeks twice in the chest."

Kensi's world stopped moving ... the air in her lungs turned to lead. "No ... no, no, NO! He was going to be fine!"

Callen reached out and tried to pull Kensi into his arms to try to calm her down, but she grabbed his biceps and held on tightly. "How is he?" Her voice sounded like that of a small child, full of desperate hope.

"It's ... it's not good Kensi ... they were performing CPR on him when they rushed them in here ... they won't say anything yet."

"Oh God! ... Oh my God! Callen ... I left him there! He begged me to get him out of that chair and I left him!" The tears came of their own free will and she made no effort to stop them. She lowered her head and Callen pulled her to his shoulder. Her soft plea shook him to his core. "Please God ... this can't be happening ... not now."

All the team leader could do was hold his friend in his arms as he felt his own tears start to fall.

...

* * *

...

Callen watched the clock positioned directly over the nurses station in the center of the trauma center. The second-hand spun in its little circle over and over but time seemed to have slowed to a crawl over the past hour or so. He looked to his right and saw the same sight as the last time he had looked in her direction. Kensi's eyes were red and a fresh tear would fall every few moments. She was leaning forward, her elbows resting on the tops of her thighs and her gaze fixed on the third surgical room's doors ... doors that hid her partner from her. Every few minutes, a nurse clad in surgical garb would appear through those doors and Kensi would tense up, only to fall back into the chair when the nurse went back into the room without even looking in their direction.

Hetty had appeared beside them at some point, Callen wasn't really sure when ... she was always doing that and his attention had been split between checking on Kensi and watching the slow-moving clock. His operation's manager had sat down on Kensi's other side, laying a small hand on the younger woman's forearm and giving her a reassuring squeeze every few moments.

After what seemed like days, a young female doctor walked out of the emergency surgical room and she spoke quickly with a nurse who pointed directly at the trio sitting in the hard plastic chairs. Callen stood quickly, tugging Kensi up with him. Hetty stepped up in front of them as the doctor walked over and stopped in front of the smaller woman.

"Family of Martin Deeks?"

Hetty folded her hands behind her back. "Yes, that's us. What is his condition?"

Kensi held her breath. _Don't be dead ... don't you dare be dead ..._

The doctor pulled her surgical cap off, revealing dark auburn colored hair and took a deep breath. "He's stable for now ... but he's in serious condition. He suffered two gunshot wounds to the thoracic region at pretty close range ... both entered and exited his left lung just inches from his heart. The bullet wound cavities caused his lung to collapse and he suffered a tension pneumothorax ... a collapsed lung, which put a huge strain on his heart. His mouth is a mess ... someone drilled holes in several of his teeth, some of them go all the way down to the bone. He'll need some orthodontic work done as soon as his system can handle it. The most serious problem was that he lost a lot of blood and this sent him into cardiac arrest while he was in transport."

Callen felt Kensi lean more against him so he wrapped his arm around her waist to support her. Her face was blank, as if she couldn't comprehend the words she was hearing.

_Down to the bone ... cardiac arrest ... serious condition ..._

"The EMTs resuscitated him before they got here and we immediately took him into surgery to try and stem the bleeding into his chest cavity and get his lung inflated. He crashed again on the table but we got him back and now he's finally stable enough for us move him into ICU."

_Oh God ..._

The three people standing in front of her let out a collective sigh of relief but then the doctor reached out and caught Hetty's arm. "But he's not out of the woods yet. He's young and he's strong ... but he suffered some very serious chest trauma and lost a lot of blood. We had to put him into a medically induced coma to let his body rest and begin to heal itself."

Kensi's voice startled them all. "Is he ... is he going to be okay?"

The doctor sent the other woman a sympathetic look and a gentle nod. "At this point ... we can't tell for certain. The next twelve hours will be crucial ... if he's still stable after that time or shown any improvement ... then the prognosis is favorable. If he continues to improve, we'll take him off the ventilator after a few days and hope he wakes up."

Hetty patted the doctor softly on the back of her hand. "Please accept our heartfelt thanks for what you and your staff have done for Mr. Deeks ... we know he is in good hands."

"He's in recovery now and, I'm sorry, but we can't let anyone in to see him for at least twelve hours ... after that, we should be able to let you visit him for a few minutes at a time." The red-haired doctor nodded to each one of them in turn before she made her way back into the surgical wing. Hetty turned and took stock of the two people in front of her; Callen looked tired and a bit frayed at the edges ... Kensi looked as if she was completely lost.

"Ms. Blye ... Kensi ... are you alright my dear?"

Kensi sniffled and seemed to snap back to reality. "Ye ... yeah ... I'm fine ... I guess." But her mind was a storm of quilt and anger. _My fault ... I did this ... he begged me to get him out of there and I left him to get shot like he was nothing ... My fault ... I did this ..._

Hetty and Callen exchanged a brief but knowing look before the operations manager tilted her head at the younger woman. "If you will excuse me, I need to step away for a moment and brief the SECNAV about the status of this operation ... please keep me updated on Detective Deeks and Agent Hannah."

Neither of them moved as Hetty turned and walked down the long hallway, her phone already up to her ear.

"Kensi?" Callen felt her body begin to tense as if she was preparing to run so he held onto her a little tighter.

Breathing was becoming more difficult, so Kensi closed her eyes and tried to gain control of herself before she fell apart completely. "I'm ... I'm good ... I just need some fresh air ... okay?" She was already trying to wiggle out of his embrace.

"I don't think that's such a good idea ... maybe you should just have a seat right here." Callen held her arm as she finally succeeded in pulling free.

When she turned to look at him, he expected a frightened or fearful expression ... but what he saw struck him to his core. She was angry, more so than he's ever seen her, and she looked like she was about to rip someone's head clean off if they crossed her. "Get out of my way Callen ... now." His hand slipped from her arm, her coldness stunning him.

"Kensi ..."

She didn't turn to look at him as she spoke. "I don't need this Callen ... leave me the hell alone."

"But what about Deeks?"

"What about him?" Her tone actually stung him. "I can't do this anymore ... I can't keep letting people into my life just to have them ripped away ... and I ... I just left him there! He begged me to cut him loose and take him from that place and I left him there!"

Callen took a step toward her but she back away, sending him a look that told him to not touch her if he didn't want to end up on the floor. "You had to! That was the only way to keep Michelle's cover and get the nukes back."

"No!" Kensi wiped angrily at the tears that kept falling. "If that had been me in that chair ... Deeks would have found a way to get me out of there ... he wouldn't have left me the way I left him! They shot him Callen ... because I left him ... and now, he still might not survive ... hell, he's already died twice today."

She turned to leave and Callen tried once more to get through to her. "Come on Kensi ... what are you doing? Don't leave him now ... stay ... I know you guys care for each other more than partners should but it will be okay, just ... "

"No ... I can't do this any more ... I don't want to care about him any more ... it hurts too damn much!" With that, she spun and ran out of the side exit doors, down the hall and out of sight. Callen wanted to follow after her, try to calm her down but he needed to stay and check on Sam ... and watch over Deeks for the time being. He just hoped Kensi would calm down and see that this was all just something they would survive ... if they stuck together.

Kensi ran as fast as her legs would carry her, several nurses and orderlies jumped out of her way, screaming for her to slow down before she hurt herself or somebody else. She was almost through the entrance to the emergency room when she ran straight into someone, who caught her to keep them both from falling to the floor.

A familiar voice spoke gently to her. "Whoa ... hey ... slow down Hotrod!"

She looked up into the brown eyes of the last person she had expected to see ... CIA Agent Vostanik Sabatino. He had his arms wrapped around her waist and didn't seem to be in any hurry to let her go. "Sorry ... I wasn't watching where I was going." She pulled back and he relaxed his grip, but he didn't let her go completely.

He leaned down a little so he could meet her eyes. "No problem ... but are you okay?"

The emotions in her eyes conveyed more than she wanted to show but she just couldn't help herself. "Yeah ... I'm fine."

"No you're not ... Granger just debriefed me ... I know what happened to Detective Deeks and Agent Hannah. I'm sorry."

For some reason, his words held a sincerity that surprised her ... he and Deeks hadn't really hit-it-off during their last assignment together. Kensi wiped away a few stray tears and nodded gently. "Thanks ... he's in ICU, he ... he was shot."

Sabatino didn't have to ask about which 'he' she was referring to. He may not have gotten along well with the blonde detective, but he had to admit that the other man was a good operator and a good partner for Kensi. "I know and I'm sure he's going to be fine, he's tougher than he looks."

That actually earned him a smile that she didn't know she was capable of at the moment. "Yes ... he most certainly is."

"So where were running off to ... they got the nukes, thanks by the way."

"I know ... I just needed to ... um ... I needed to get out of here for a little while ... I ... "

"Too much, huh?"

"Yes ... too much." That's when she realized that she was still held in his arms. She pushed back until he let go but he made no effort to remove himself from her personal space.

"Look ... I know this may be out-of-place, but I promised to buy you a drink when we got the nukes back." She looked at him with a rather quizzical look on her face. "You look like you could use one ... or two ..."

"Or maybe three." Kensi finished and felt another round of guilt for leaving Deeks out of the equation. After all, they both had been sitting there when Sabatino had made that offer, she was sure Deeks had assumed he would be part of that outing ... his dislike of the CIA agent stemmed by the fact the other man had just lost his partner. Deeks' promise to not get himself killed just made her heart ache even more. She told herself she needed to get away, just for a little while and gather her thoughts ... thoughts about fear and shame ... about a soft kiss and problems with communication.

She straightened her posture and wiped away the few remaining tears that were staining her cheeks. "A drink sounds good ... thank you."

Sabatino turned and gestures toward the door, allowing her to go first. Kensi squinted slightly as they stepped out into the California sunset, leaving the hospital behind them. The guilt of leaving her partner tied to that chair gnawing away at her heart, the hurt look in his eyes as she had turned her back on him and walked away burned her soul. She just needed a break, she just wasn't ready to deal with this right now. So she would go grab a drink with Sabatino and let her frayed nerves catch their breath. She would come back to the hospital and sit with her injured partner as he recovered, she only hoped he would forgive her for leaving him in that chair ... for leaving him alone on that hill when he had finally 'communicated' with her ... she could still feel his lips on hers.

Right now though, she needed to get away ... take a break from all the emotions raging through her. Part of her wanted to rebuild parts of the walls Deeks had torn down over the past three years ... the other part wanted to jackhammer away at the foundations of those walls so she could let him in completely. She needed to let it all go for just a little while, get her pserspective back and then everything would be fine.

Yes, everything would be just fine.

...


	3. Tracks of Her Tears

**A/N: Just a warning, there's a bit of "M" for sexual situations in this chapter ... and I know you guys are going to hate me after this.**

...

* * *

**Tracks of Her Tears**

Kensi was dreaming about the ocean, of wet sand under her bare feet, of Deeks' hand in hers as he led her along the water's edge. She could hear the gulls overhead and feel the sun warming her skin ... her _naked_ skin ... and when she looked over ... yes, he was naked as well. In the dream-state of her mind, she felt no shame ... no regret ... it was just how it should be. Her subconscious wasn't worried about why she and Deeks were walking naked, hand-in-hand across a deserted beach ... it didn't matter, after all, it was a dream.

His laugh filled her ears and she felt her heart skip a beat, her hand tingling in his. Her laugh joined his and soon they were skipping ... yes, skipping through the water, splashing each other playfully. Deeks stopped and spun her around just as Monty ran by with a huge pink ribbon tied around his tail. The sky went from a clear blue to a lime green behind his shaggy blond hair, but her eyes were fixed on his, and she saw that they were full of desire and a promise of something more.

When they stopped, she saw that they were no longer at the water's edge but were further up the beach and she was carrying a surf board in one hand and a candle in the other. Deeks moved beside her and he tugged the board from her and laid it beside them on the sand. He placed the candle at the tip of the board and turned until he was facing her. Placing his hands on either side of her face, he pulled her in close and whispered "How's this for communication." Then hs kissed her ... and she felt the world disappear from under her feet as she kissed him back. It was hot and sweet all at the same time and she wondered how she had ever lived before this moment.

His hands slid from her face to her breasts, which he cupped gently, brushing his palms across her sensitive peaks as she moaned into his mouth. He knelt, easing her down with him and when her back was on the surf board, Deeks kneeling between her legs doing wonderful things with his mouth and tongue. He rose above her and his name came out as a deep groan as he pushed himself gently into her and they began to move together in the rhythm of the waves behind them.

She lost herself with him again and again ... then she felt something drip onto her face. When she opened her eyes and looked up ... his face was no longer the handsome one from before ... it was contorted in pain, bruised and blood was dripping from his mouth. He moaned her name and bits of flesh and teeth fell to her chest, covering her in sticky wetness that made her stomach want to empty itself. She tried to push away from him but he held her tighter ... his eyes begging for something she didn't comprehend.

Kensi wanted to scream his name but her voice wouldn't respond ... then there were two loud gunshots, sounding like they were fired right beside her head. She watched as the light of his beautiful blue eyes drained away and she wrapped her arms up over his shoulders as he collapsed fully onto her ... then he was gone ... her arms clasping empty air ...

Kensi jerked awake, her breaths ragged and shallow, her body almost numb. _A dream ... it was just a dream ... Oh God ... Deeks ... _her mind was trying to fight its way out of the fog of a dream that had morphed into a nightmare as she tried to figure out where she was. She was laying on her right side, and even though the room was mostly dark, she could see that she was facing a plain white wall with a lamp that was mounted directly in the middle of it. The bed she was in was covered in crisp white sheets and she had a heavy comforter over her legs. There was a little light coming from behind her and the tint told her it was just street lights shining through whatever window was there.

She started to shift, then she noticed she was, in fact, naked ... covered only by a thick blanket and part of a sheet that stopped just below her breasts. She flexed her legs and her thigh muscles protested lightly, she wasn't sure why. Not sure where she was, Kensi pulled the sheet tighter around her body ... and then realized she wasn't alone in the bed. There was an arm resting under her neck, sticking out in front of her pillow. There was another arm wrapped tightly over her waist, the elbow near her bellybutton ... the hand cupping her right breast. Her mind flashed back to her dream ... _Deeks ... oh yessss ... _and she reached out with her hand to entwine her fingers with his.

And that's when she saw that the skin color was wrong ... it was darker that it should be ... as were the hairs on the arm and the watch was on the wrong wrist. Her body tensed as this revelation and apparently woke her bed mate. He let out a groan, pulling her tighter against his chest and she could feel his member against the back of her thigh. The naked man behind her nuzzled into her hair just behind her ear and the moment he spoke ... another nightmare began.

"You're up early ... ready for another round?" Vostanik Sabatino's voice carried the weight of a night of very little sleep. He glanced over at the clock on the bedside table and nudged her with his pelvis. "It's barely four ... give me a little bit and we'll pick up where we left off." He gave her breast a gentle squeeze and tweaked her nipple ... her stomach rolled over again.

Kensi jerked upright and rolled away from his grasp, yanking the sheet up to cover herself. A hiss escaped her lips as her head exploded with white pain just behind her eyes, a light hangover slamming into her all at once. She stumbled a bit as she slipped from the bed, Sabatino leaning up on his elbow, watching with amusement as she looked around frantically for her clothes.

"Oh God ... what have I done ... what have I done ..." She was close to hysterics as she grabbed up her panties and jeans from beside the bed.

"What the hell are you doing?"

Kensi sent him a glare that would have scared Superman. "I getting dressed you ass! What does it look like I'm doing?"

Sabatino's smirk made her want to kill something ... or more precisely ... somebody. "The way you're moving around under that sheet makes me thing you're trying to seduce me all over again."

That stopped her in her tracks. "What ... what did you say?"

The smirk faded into a sensual sneer. "You heard me ... _you _seduced me Agent Blye." The disbelieving look on her face told him she still didn't comprehend what he was telling her. "We went to get a drink ... I had some white wine ... you had a Mojito, then another ... and then another ... "

"Oh God." Her hand went to her head as the hours before began to come back into focus. She remembered the bar that the cab had dropped them at and the silence that followed their first round of drinks. But the more she drunk, the more she had felt herself falling away ... losing her control. The thought at the forefront of her mind had been Deeks ... the hospital ... gunshots ... and she had wanted to run away again. The pain was too much ... she wanted it all to go away.

"You kept going on about your partner ... his torture ... him getting shot. Then you got angry, started talking about how all the men in your life run out on you ... that's when it started."

She closed her eyes and leaned back against the wall, dreading to ask but knowing she had to. "What started?"

Another smarmy grin. "Your _seduction_."

Now she was getting pissed. "You're full of shit! I would never do that!"

"Oh ... but you did, and might I say ... you were _very_ good at it." He sat up a little more and pulled himself up against the headboard. "You drug me out onto the dance floor and proceeded to pull every 'Dirty Dancing' move on me ... and I just couldn't resist."

Kensi's heart fell to her stomach and her stomach shot to her throat. She swallowed the bile that threatened to erupt and turned away to find the rest of her clothes. "You're a lying son of a bitch ... you took advantage of me ... and when I find my gun ... I'm going to shoot you."

The confidence oozing from him made her hasten her search for her weapon. "No you're not ... you know what you did ... "

More memories flooded into her mind as she found her shirt and bra on the floor by the door. When she picked them up, she saw her gun and badge sitting on the edge of the TV stand. Her first inclination was to walk over and shoot him right where she always practiced shooting her targets ... but then she stopped. In her memory, she saw herself dancing with him until she pulled him in and started kissing him hard on the mouth, shutting him up from some comment he was making about her eyes. He had hesitated for a moment, but when she forced her tongue into his mouth, his hands had slipped down to her ass and he returned her kiss with ferocity. The rest was a blur of a hot make out session in a cab that continued in the hotel's elevator ... she stopped right there.

"Oh my God ... no, no ... noooo!" Her shriek probably woke the entire floor, but Kensi didn't care ... her world was shattering around her and she was finding it hard to breath.

"Don't act all innocent ... you wanted me as much as I wanted you!"

"Shut up!" She was furious ... at him ... at herself ... at everything.

"We were barely in the cab before you tongue was down my throat and your hand was down my pants."

"I said ... Shut up!"

Sabatino sat forward, wrapping his arms around his knees. "Hell, I had just shut the door to the room and you were on your knees, sucking on me with your ... "

"SHUT UP!" The entire street heard that one. Kensi's hands covered her ears as she slowly sank to the floor, her back pressed to the wall. "Just ... shut up." Tears that she had held back fell like rain down her cheeks and onto the sheet clutched in her hands.

"What? Come on Kensi ... you kept saying "Make me forget ... make me forget him" and that's what I tried to do."

Kensi was thinking there was now somewhere else she was going to shoot him before she blew his balls off. He was on a roll and didn't seem intent on shutting his mouth anytime soon.

"Did it work? Did you fuck me enough for you to forget about your partner? I don't think you did ... did you? You were very energetic about it though ... had me gasping for air more than a few times ... " She wanted to shoot him, she really did ... but her arms were numb, her hands useless. "In fact, if you want ... come on back over here _Princess_ and I'll bend you over and make you forget all about him."

When she spoke, she poured all the venom she could into her words. "Don't ... you ... call ... me ... that ... ever ... again."

"What ... _Princess_? Is that what _he_ calls you? What a dipshit ... "

The click of her SIG slipping off 'safe' finally caused Sabatino to take her threats seriously. "And don't you ever speak about my partner ... you have no idea what he means to me."

The gun in her hand failed to stop him from smirking at her again. "It wasn't him you were humping like a rabbit last night ... so maybe he doesn't mean all that much to you in the first place." He saw her face fall back to the floor and he folded his arms across his chest. "Wait ... he doesn't know you've fallen for him ... and you're scared to death of what might happen ... so you find someone to fuck to make it impossible for him to love you. Holy crap ... that's priceless ... you really are something Agent Blye."

She heard him moving around and when she finally looked over at him, he was just finishing pulling on his pants. At least now she wasn't alone with a naked man that she hated more than anyone at the moment.

"You're an ass ... "

Sabatino nodded as he started buttoning up his shirt. "You fall for your partner ... he gets shot up ... and you fuck me to get him out of your head. Yes, you're right ... I'm an ass ... but you ... you're a piece of work. Ah shit ... you ripped the some of the buttons off my shirt ... my wife's going to kill me."

"What ... you're _married_?" Could this possibly get any worse.

The look he gave her told her that his definition of marriage was drastically different from hers. "Yes ... I'm married, so what? My wife plays her games and I play mine. Does that shock you?"

"But you ... with me ... how can you do that?"

"Because ... 'I'm an ass'." He used his hands to make air quotes around those last words. "I've been wanting to nail you since I first saw you ... I'm married ... not dead."

That was the last straw. Kensi pushed herself up the wall, the strength finally returning to her legs. "You listen to me you sack of shit ... if you ever come near me again ... I'll carve your heart out with a spoon and mail it to your wife. Do you hear me?"

Sabatino smiled and nodded, some of his earlier confidence diminishing, but he still had a card in his hand. "Gotcha." When he saw her start to turn away, he spoke firmly so she wouldn't misunderstand. "Just think about this though ... I wonder what Detective Deeks will say when he finds out I got to fuck his girl before he did ... what would happen then, huh?"

Ice filled her system at his threat ... and she knew he had her right where he wanted her and she couldn't do anything about it. She tried to threaten him once more. "You wouldn't dare."

"Oh ... wouldn't I? I got used by a woman who doesn't know what the hell she's doing ... maybe he deserves to know the truth. I'm not complaining ... you are definitely as hot in the sack as I always imagined ... but all of this will eventually come back to bite you in the ass ... whether I tell him or not." He plopped down on the edge of the bed and started pulling on is socks and shoes. "I'll be curious to see how long it takes him ... he is a detective, after all ... even he should be able to figure it out."

And that's what scared her the most ... she wouldn't be able to hide it from Deeks, not for long anyway. He had an uncanny ability to see right through her when she tried to hide something from him. And this wasn't something small ... this was huge. She could almost picture his face ... shock, anger, betrayal ... and it was the last one that got her moving again. Kensi had to get back to him, to try and make up for the times she'd left him alone ... and for this ... this mistake that she would give anything to erase.

She pulled the sheet tighter around her cold body. "Get out of my sight ... if I ever see you again, I'll ..."

Sabatino cocked his head at her, another smirk on his face. "You'll what ... shoot me? I don't think so Agent Blye ... you are a bad ass ... but you don't want to spend the rest of your life in a federal prison ... although, you'd be very popular with the inmates." He wiggled his eyebrows at her as he finished dressing. He walked over to her as she clutched the sheet around her with one hand and held her pistol firmly in the other.

Her eyes were two points of fire. "If I shoot you ... it'll look like you accidentally shot yourself with your own gun ... or I will hunt you down and then I'll watch as you die screaming ... do you hear me?"

Suddenly, the confidence was completely gone from the CIA agent and he decided that maybe this little dance needed to end. "Look ... you got what you wanted, for a little while at least ... and I _definitely_ got what I wanted ... so let's just call it even ... okay?"

She wanted to shoot him with every fiber of her being ... but that would only make things worse, not that they could get much worse than it already was. When he walked past her, she was afraid he was going to try to touch her or even kiss her, but he kept his distance as he headed toward the door. "I'm going to get some breakfast ... I suppose you'll be gone by the time I get back, so I'll see you around ... _Princess_." And then he was gone, the door latching behind him. She walked over and flipped the deadbolt over ... she didn't want him coming back in while she was getting dressed.

When Kensi turned from the door, she caught her reflection in the mirror over the bathroom sink and she froze. She stared into her own eyes ... searching for some ray of hope in the darkness she found herself. The more she looked, the worse she felt until finally, her churning stomach could contain itself no more. She darted to the toilet where she vomited violently and when there was nothing left, she dry heaved until her sides hurt.

Sitting back on the tiled floor, Kensi hugged her knees up to her chest and the dam that had been holding back her tears finally broke. She sobbed until her cries were nothing more than gasps and quick intakes of air. In the midst of her breakdown, one face appeared in her mind ... a face she could draw accurately from memory ... the face of the man who protected her life with his on many occasions ... who had kissed her breathless on a hilltop only to have her ride away from him ... who was fighting for his life at the very moment she had been ... she had ...

"Oh God ... Deeks ... I'm so sorry ... I'm so sorry."

The words seemed hallow even as she spoke them, they were devoid of any meaning ... any substance. There was no plea nor prayer in heaven or on earth that could erase the anguish in her heart. She had been so close to finding a solid hold on the 'thing' between her and her partner ... now, she could only feel it slipping further and further away.

There wasn't anything more to do ... nothing more to say ... only the tracks of her tears.

...

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**A/N: Hate me yet?**

**Yeah ... that's what I figured.**

**Anyway, if you're swearing at your screen right now ... please understand, I almost hurled my lunch as I wrote this chapter but it was the story in my head and I had to write it this way.**

**So ... take a moment (or two) ... catch your breath ... count to ten (or a hundred) and drop me a note in the little box below. Let me know how you felt about this ... I'll probably agree with you about most of it.**

**Semper Fi**

**JS**


	4. Point of Darkness

**A/N: You guys are amazing! Even those of you who don't like the way this story is turning out have supported me in this, and I greatly appreciate it. I will say again that I'm a diehard Densi shipper ... this was just a story that popped into my head and felt like a cool break from the canon stories out there. I love those stories too, but this one turned out way different.**

**Anyway ... I own nothing ... if I did, the mutant ninja assassins would already be toddlers.**

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* * *

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**Point of Darkness**

The cab couldn't move fast enough for Kensi, she had to get to her place and as far away from that man as possible. She had dressed quickly in his hotel room after she had recovered enough to function after her spell in the bathroom and had left as fast as her feet would carry her. As she passed through the main lobby, she had caught Sabatino's smug face smirking at her from where he was sitting in the hotel's restaurant enjoying his breakfast. The temptation to walk over and stab him in the crotch with his fork was overwhelming but her mind was finally clear after the hell the morning had been. So she just sent him her best go-to-hell glare, adamantly flipped him off, which shocked the waiter standing behind him, and then she bolted out through the front doors.

She was grateful that there was a cab waiting to take her away from a nightmare she knew she wouldn't wake up from anytime soon. As the driver looked over his shoulder, waiting for her to tell him her destination, she had almost told him to take her directly back to the hospital where Deeks was waiting. Sabatino's overpowering cologne emanating from her clothes prompted her to direct him to her place where she could scrub away the scent of her shame until her skin bled.

An hour later and another cab was dropping her off a few blocks from the Office of Special Projects where her SRX was parked. The short walk was a blur and even after she started driving, the familiar sound of her favorite techno station offered her little solace. This was going to be bad ... very bad ... and there was absolutely nothing she could think of to make it any better.

As she walked into ICU department, Kensi checked her watch and noted that it had been almost eight hours since she had left for the 'few drinks' with Sabatino and her mind began to race at all the possibilities of Deeks' condition. Her mind was reeling at everything that could possibly have happened in her absence when she looked up and saw a very exhausted looking G. Callen walking down the hallway toward her. When he looked up at her, she couldn't help but gasp at how bad he looked and how cold his eyes turned when he realized she was there.

"Where the hell have you been? I tried to call you like a million times ... " When he saw her face fall and the color leave her, Callen realized what that had started to sound like. "Wait ... Deeks is still stable ... sorry, didn't mean to freak you out."

Kensi felt the air rush back into her lungs. _He's alive ... thank God! Now, stay calm ... act like everything is cool. "_Has there been any change?"

Callen noted the coolness in her question, like she was talking about someone she didn't know all that well. "Um ... no ... there hasn't been anything new, he's still in a coma but he survived the night and the doctors are more optimistic today than they were last night." She nodded and then went to walk past him until he reached out and caught her arm. "Hey ... you okay? Where did you go last night?"

Kensi swallowed the lump in her throat and tried to sound nonchalant ... she failed miserably. "I'm _fine_. I went out for some air ... took a long walk ... got a shower ... "

Callen didn't even try to hide that he knew she wasn't being honest with him, but he thought maybe it was better to let it go ... for now. "Okay ... but you were gone for several hours, we were getting worried."

Kensi emotional force field cracked a little. "I said 'I'm FINE!' ... why the hell don't you just mind your own damn business!"

_Crap._

She rubbed at her temple with her left hand. "Callen ... I'm sorry, I just ... I mean ... I ..."

Callen placed a gentle hand on her shoulder and gave her a brotherly squeeze. "Hey, it's okay ... I know you're exhausted and I can't imagine what you're going through ... "

_Really ? You have no freaking idea._

"But I need you to pull yourself together ... Deeks is going to need his partner to be at the top of her game and be there for him when he wakes up ... okay?"

She folded her arms across her chest and nodded as she looked down at the floor, terrified that her team leader and friend would see something he shouldn't if he looked too long into her eyes.

_When he wakes up ... oh God._

"Come on ... I was going to check on Sam and the docs checking on Deeks; there's fresh coffee in the waiting room, you look like you need a cup or two." He tugged at her arm tenderly and she let him lead her down the hall where she would sit and wait ...

and wait ...

and wait.

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* * *

...

Three days.

Seventy-two hours ... give or take an hour or two.

It had been three miserable days of sitting and trying to sleep in an hard-as-a-brick plastic hospital chair that was either designed by Attila the Hun or someone who had no concept of the nuances of human anatomy. Kensi's back ached to the point of making her want to scream and her legs kept falling asleep when she stayed in the sitting position too long. She would get up and walk around the ward, most of the nurses giving sympathetic looks to the tall brunette that refused to leave her partner, even though she couldn't be with him in person. They assumed it was because of the closeness that they shared and they were right ... for the most part. But the biggest reason she stayed in the small waiting room, hour after long hour, was because she feared that if she left ... she wouldn't have the courage to ever come back.

Then one morning the doctor said that his vital signs were stable and had improved to the point where they could remove him from the ventilator. He probably wouldn't wake up right away ... it may even take days or weeks but that would give them time to work on his mouth and fix the damage there. The young charge nurse, Tonya, had also told Kensi that her partner was being transferred to the step-down ward and into a private room where he could now have visitors as long as they didn't disturb him.

Over the next two days, every one of his team members dropped by and then stayed as long as they possibly could. Sam had been discharged pretty soon after being treated for his burns and water-damaged lungs, spent a great deal of time watching Deeks sleep, like a secret guardian angel. He seemed to have something on his mind every time Kensi looked over at him ... like there was something he wanted or needed to say ... but wasn't exactly sure how to say it. Kensi had enough of her own regrets to worry about what had apparently happened between the two men.

Eric and Nell dropped by often, both of them horrified at what had happened to him but also elated that his body was beginning to recover from all the trauma it had suffered. Kensi had watched from the door as Nell had leaned over and whispered something in Deeks' ear before she tenderly kissed his forehead. The brunette wondered what the analyst had said to her sleeping partner, maybe there would come a time when she would ask and now ... wasn't it.

Callen had been the strangest visitor of all. His visits were short and he hardly spoke to either the sleeping man in the bed or the clearly anxious woman who always hovered nearby. Several times, Callen had looked through the observation window to catch Kensi looking into the room. When she had met his gaze, there was guilt and regret written clearly on his face. She knew he felt horrible about the direction the mission had taken after Janvier's betrayal, but she just hoped he didn't her own remorse at actions taken that hadn't been part of the plan.

That's where they had been that fateful afternoon, Kensi watching as Callen sat motionless beside his teammate's bed, when suddenly, Callen sat up quickly and beckoned her to come into the room. She reluctantly walked through the door but he cut her off before she could ask him anything.

"His hand, Kensi ... he just moved his hand!"

She looked over to where Callen was pointing and it happened again. It looked as if Deeks was trying raise his right arm from under the sheet that covered him. Then they both heard a small moan coming from the bed and his legs where beginning to flex.

Callen shot out of his chair and turned toward the door. "He's waking up ... I'll find a nurse and let them know."

"No!" Kensi's body was trembling ... whether it was elation or fear, she didn't really know. "I mean ... no, you stay here ... I'll go find the nurse."

Callen couldn't believe what he was hearing. "Kensi? What are you doing ... " But she was gone from the room before he could finish asking why she seemed determined to run away from her partner now that he was coming back to them.

Kensi walked a few steps before she spotted nurse Tonya coming around the corner. When the young woman looked up at her, all Kensi could think to say was, "I think he's waking up."

Tonya flew into action, turning quickly to the nurse's station and telling them to page Doctor Evans immediately and have him report to room E3. Kensi remained motionless as the woman flew past her into her partner's room which suddenly became a very busy place. A few other nurses rushed past and soon, Doctor Evans came running down the hallway. The curtain was drawn across the window just as Callen was ushered from the room and he stopped beside Kensi who still seemed a bit stunned.

He turned until they were face-to-face and when she looked into his steel-blue eyes ... she wished she hadn't. "What the hell Kensi?! What has gotten into you?" She started to run away but his hand flew to her arm and his grip was like iron. "You've been sulking around here for days ... hovering over him ... and when he starts to wake up ... you bolt!"

Kensi snatched her arm out of his grip and her eyes turned to fire. "Let it go Callen ... it's none of your concern."

"Like hell it is ... my team is falling apart and whatever happened between you and Deeks seems to be at the heart of it. So it is most definitely my business! I suggest you pull your head out of your ass before I start to doubt your ability to deal with what happened to Deeks ... you got it?"

_He thinks it's about the torture ... he thinks I'm falling apart because of what happened to Deeks. _"Look, Callen, I need you just to be a little patient with me ... I know it seems ..."

Tonya poked her head out of through the door. "Excuse me ... he's asking for you." There was no doubt who the _who _she was referring to but Kensi remained frozen in place.

Callen looked from Tonya back to Kensi, his face a mask of shock and surprise. "Well, are you going or not?"

Kensi tore her eyes from his, nodded quickly and moved to follow the nurse into the room.

"I'll go ahead and call the others." Callen said with very little emotion as he turned away, his cell phone already at his ear.

The air felt stuffy and thick as she passed the threshold. _Well, here goes nothing. _She stepped into the room and two nurses walked passed her. The doctor was still leaning over the man in the bed, asking questions that would show any problems with cognitive memory and levels of pain. When Doctor Evans flashed a smile in Kensi's direction, she took it as good news.

A tender hand on her arm and a soft tug got her attention. "Your name was the first word out of his mouth." Tonya thought that this bit of news would do wonders for the female agent's state of mind ... she was stunned by the way the woman's face lost some of its color, like it wasn't what she wanted to hear.

Doctor Evans stopped beside her, making a few more notations on Deeks' chart. "He's still a bit groggy ... but his vitals are strong and his memory seems intact. There may be a few spots where he's a little fuzzy on exact events but, otherwise, this is a great start in his recovery. Nurse Tonya will be right outside if you need anything and don't worry if he fades in and out for the next hour or so ... it's perfectly normal."

They were almost out of the room when Kensi found her voice. "Thank you."

The nurse and doctor nodded politely and then made their exit. When she finally turned toward the bed, she saw that the man laying there was looking directly at her, his bruised mouth turned up into an almost grotesque smile.

"Hey." His voice was cracked and weak from disuse, at any other time she would have made a comment about how much she had missed his non-stop chattering ... this was neither the time nor the place.

All Kensi could muster was a shy "Hi."

Silence fell on the room as Kensi looked everywhere but at her partner and Deeks' eyes never left her for a second.

"Sam?" Is was a one word question that held tons of meaning.

Kensi turned her mind to agent mode and focused on the situation at hand, rather than the one that she hoped no one would ever know about. "He's fine ... went home a few days ago ... nothing too serious to worry about."

Deeks eyes closed for a moment and it seemed to Kensi that a huge burden came to rest on his shoulders but she thought it better not to mention it. He took a shallow breath and winced at the pain that shot through his torso before he blew it out gently.

"Michelle?"

"She's fine too ... we got the nukes and Sid ... " She saw him physically tense at the sound of the man's name. "I mean ... _he's _dead ... along with his partner. Janvier is in custody ... we stopped them."

His response was a simple nod of his head but she knew him well enough to see the rage that was roaring though his battered body. Even after all that had happened, Kensi was glad the bastard that sis this to her partner had died with two slugs from her own gun in his chest. She watched as Deeks' eyes slipped closed and she wondered if he had fallen back asleep but he only kept them closed for a moment.

"You?"

Her heart almost stopped in her chest. He was lying in a hospital bed, having just cheated death once more, and he was concerned about _her_. She felt the prick of tears in the corners of her eyes and she tried to wipe them away before they became more than she could control.

"_Deeks_ ..." It was almost a plea.

"If you say you're _fine ... _I'll borrow Hetty's letter opener."

The soft chuckle that escaped her lips surprised her, even as more tears slipped down her cheeks. After all of that, he was still Deeks ... maybe they could get through this without any serious damage done to their 'thing'. She knew he was holding back, she could feel it from across the room ... there were things he wanted to say about what had happened up on that hill, and then later when he was strapped to that chair. The time would come and she hoped she would be strong enough to endure it.

"I don't blame you ... " His words were like a stake through her heart. "For leaving me there ... I know it wasn't your fault."

"I'm so sorry ... I didn't ... I mean ... "

Deeks tried to sound firm but his energy was quickly fading. "Kens ... don't, okay?"

"But I ... I need to tell you ... "

He quickly cut her off. "No ... I need to tell you something before the pain meds kick in and I fall asleep." Kensi wiped at her eyes, knowing she couldn't really speak even if he had allowed her to go on. "When I was tied to that chair and everything was going ... well, going south ... the place I went to ... it was you. I ... I thought of your face ... your smile ... your laugh."

_Oh God. _Now she was really about to lose it.

"Deeks ... "

The door behind her opened and when she turned in that direction, she expected to see Callen or maybe even Hetty entering the room ... it was neither. Her body tensed and she felt like she was about to vomit right there. She kept her voice low, trying to keep Deeks from hearing.

'What the hell are you doing here?"

The man simply smirked at her and acted like she hadn't said a word, instead he turned to the man lying in the bed.

"Detective Deeks."

Deeks rotated his head slightly and tried to sound friendly to the man who had barged into the room. "Agent Sabatino ... for what do I owe this pleasure?"

Sabatino glanced over momentarily at Kensi before turning back to Deeks. "I was just informed of your recovery and was directed by my superiors to stop by and personally congratulate you on a job well-done."

"Wow ... coming from you, I must have royally screwed up."

Sabatino chuckled lightly, but his rigid manner revealed a level of animosity toward the injured man. "Quite the contrary ... without you, this mission would have, more than likely, ended in failure ... we owe you a debt."

Deeks' cheeky smile slowly returned. "You here that Kensi ... the CIA owes me debt."

Kensi hadn't moved a muscle since Sabatino had entered the room and when Deeks looked over at her, he could see her obvious discomfort at the other man's presence.

"Hey Kens ... you okay?"

Her only response was to look down at the floor and briskly shrug her shoulders. Deeks decided not to push the issue, he really didn't like Sabatino all that much anyway and was glad to see that his partner shared his opinion of the other man.

"So ... now that it's all over, I guess he'll have to take you out for that drink."

If a meteor had crashed through the window and killed her where she stood ... Kensi would have been eternally grateful ... but that didn't happen. She just had to stand there with Deeks' face growing more confused at the stunned expression on her face and Sabatino grinning at her like a cat that just finished a bowl of milk. Deeks took a few moments to observe his partner, trying to discern why she had turned into a statue since the CIA agent had entered the room. Even though he really didn't like the man, they had worked together fairly well and he didn;t understand why she was barely speaking and had gone cold all of a sudden.

Sabatino watched as Deeks tried to assess Kensi and she tried to act like nothing was wrong. For a woman who could hold her own undercover with the worst the world had to offer ... at this particular moment, she was acting like a recruit on her first day of training. Since he wasn't in the mood to continue with the little game that was playing out before him, he decided it was time to go ... but not before he got in one more shot.

"That's alright ... Agent Blye and I have already settled that, haven't we?" Sabatino's smile was similar to one worn by a cat that had the mouse cornered with no where for it to go. "Anyway, take care detective ... Agent Blye." He left the room with a little more swagger in his step and one last look over his shoulder at a woman who wanted nothing more than to vanish off the face of the earth.

The door hadn't fully closed when Deeks spoke. "Well ... that was ... _weird_."

Kensi folded her arms across her chest, trying to keep her body from shaking at the rage and shame bubbling just under the surface. She still hadn't said anything and was doing her best to act like everything was fine. "Uh huh."

"That's all you've got? The king of smarmy breezes in here and you act like he stole your last Twinkie. I thought you got along with him okay the last time ... what's up?"

Her reply was instant and harsh. "Nothing's up."

Deeks reaction was to roll his eyes slightly and cock his head at her. "Okaaaayyy ... how about you snap back to reality and tell me what's bothering you."

"Nothing's bothering me ... I'm _fine."_

"Really Kens? You've been tense since you came in here and when _Slob_atino walks in the door you barely even look in his direction."

Kensi's agitation level was nearing critical mass ... she knew the moment of truth was coming ... she just hadn't expected it to come so soon.

"From the way you were trying not to even look in his direction ... the tension was so thick ... you two were acting like you just slept together." He meant it as a joke, a way to snap her out of the funk she was in ... he had no idea he was right ... until he heard her short gasp and watched all the color drain from her face.

Deeks took a deep breath, feeling his own anxiety level shoot through the roof. "Wait ... you didn't really ... are you _serious_?!"

Her choked sob was all the confirmation he needed. "Deeks .. I ... I didn't mean for it to happen ... "

His eyes locked on the ceiling as he tried to maintain control of his emotions ... he failed miserably. "You mean .. you and ... and HIM?!"

Kensi lowered her head into her hands, her sobs making her entire body shake. "Oh God Deeks ... I'm so sorry!"

His breathing became more ragged and he felt as if he was floating above himself for a few moments. A sharp beeping came from the right side of the bed, one of the monitors indicating something wasn't right with the person they were attached too. Tears stung at his eyes and he knew they weren't going to end anytime soon ... his entire world just fell out from under him and he felt like he was free-falling through the air. "Oh no ... no ... no, no, no ... God! You have got to be kidding me Kensi!"

Kensi took a deep breath and finally looked over at her partner, and what she saw broke her heart just a little more. The complete and utter devastation written all over his face almost made her fall to her knees at that moment.

"Please ... please tell me you're kidding ... you didn't really have sex with that creep ... did you?"

She didn't have to actually say the words ... it was written all over her countenance and he had always been able to read her like an open book. He looked at her hopefully for a moment, hoping with everything he had that she would laugh and let him in on her little joke, even bad as it was. When he saw the truth in her watery eyes ... his gaze returned to the ceiling and his words became cold and hallow.

"I think you should leave ... right now."

She moved closer to the bed, reaching out to touch his hand ... he yanked it away from her as if her touched burned him, the movement caused him to hiss loudly in pain. "No ... I'm not leaving you ... not again!"

"Kensi ... leave." It was a firm command with a bit of pleading in it as well.

"Deeks ... please ... "

He closed his eyes and his body began to tremble as pure rage rolled through him. "I can't believe you ... how could you? You ... you ask me to say something I really mean and when I can't find the words ... I kissed you instead ... oh God!"

She could hear the tremble in his voice and wanted to do anything to calm him down. "Deeks ... please, you have to calm down ... "

"When, Kensi?"

"What?"

He gritted his teeth together and felt white-hot pain shoot up his jaw ... it didn't detour him. "When did you and 'I smell like I bath in Polo' hook up ... _before_ or _after_ I kissed you?"

"Deeks .. don't ..."

"WHEN?!" The machine's beeping was growing more urgent.

Kensi hung her head. "After."

The sob that escaped his throat destroyed her. "Oh ... my ... God."

"I didn't mean for it to happen ... you were in a coma and I was so scared of losing you ... I needed to get away and catch my breath ..."

Deeks was seething. "So you figured you run out and fuck the first person you ran across ... well, how did that work out for you?!"

"Deeks ... I'm sorry ... "

"Stop saying that! I try and show you how I feel and while I'm laying here you go out and ... oh God ... I think I'm going to be sick ... "

Kensi spun and headed for the door. "I'll get the nurse ... "

"Just leave Kensi ... please ... "

"Deeks ... "

When he looked at her, his eyes seemed to bore right through to her soul. "I'm asking you to get the hell out of my room ... NOW!"

She heard him yell at her ... and she had never experienced that from him ... and for a moment she was so stunned, she couldn't move. Then the beeping from beside the bed went ballistic and another louder alarm beeped out in the hallway. A few seconds later, the door flew open, Tonya and another nurse rushed into the room, concern clear on their faces. "Mr. Deeks! You need to calm down!"

Kensi was frozen in place by the door and was barely aware of what was happening around her. The nurse who she didn't know grabbed her by the arms and began pushing her out into the hallway. "Sorry Ms., but you need to set out for a moment and let us check him over."

The brunette planted her feet, not intending on moving an inch. "I'm not going anywhere!"

Tonya leaned in close to try and hear what Deeks was whispering over and over. It took a moment and then she finally caught it. "Get her out of here ... get her the hell out of here."

The young nurse whirled and fixed her gaze on the female federal agent. "If you don't leave this room this instant, I'll be forced to call security."

"Go ahead ... see what happens when they get here." Kensi was about to shove the other nurse up against the wall and clock her.

"My second call will be to your direct supervisor ... a Miss Henrietta Lange. She gave explicit instructions about what to do if you hindered our treatment of Detective Deeks in any way." Tonya's friendly demeanor from earlier had vanished, replaced by dedicated protectiveness of her patient. "Your call, Ms. Blye."

Kensi knew she could handle the hospital security, but Hetty was not a person she wanted to tangle with ... not with what was happening between her and Deeks, especially since he had just woken up from his coma. Defeated, she dropped her shoulders and let the nurse guide her out into the hallway. Doctor Evans ran by her, his face full of confused concern about a man who just moments earlier was doing fine.

The door closed slowly and then all the sounds from inside were blocked. Kensi leaned her back against the wall and slowly slid down until she was sitting on the floor. She lowered her head and rested it on top of her knees, her breathing nothing more than choked sobs. Her world was falling apart and she could see nothing past the little square tiles that covered the hospital floor. Her world compressed down to a few square feet of cold floor and the tears that were dripping from her cheeks and wetting the tops of her thighs.

She sat there and slowly fell apart as other patients and workers walked by and left her to her own personal hell. The numbness in her arms and legs worked its way over her body until she felt nothing ... not the floor under her nor the block wall at her back. The emptiness inside was worse ... all of her soul ached as the storm inside her raged against herself.

The look of devastation on Deeks' pained face was etched into her memory like it was carved in stone and she knew there was nothing on this earth that could erase it. Her heart was shattering into a million small shards that seemed to cut her deep down to her core.

Kensi was breaking ... flying apart in a shower of pain and anguish into single point of darkness.

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**A/N: If you hate it or love it ... let me know how you feel in the little box at the bottom. This may be the last posting until after Christmas and I've got to update "Aunt Hetty" before too long also. See you guys.**

**Semper Fi**

**JS**


	5. Fade To Light

**A/N: I planned on updating 'Aunt Hetty' before I posted this chapter but I wanted to go ahead and get this part of the story out. If you're following both stories, I will have the next chapter for 'Aunt Hetty' out this weekend ... all the angst from 'Broken Road' sucked some of the life out of me and it took some time to recover. I know ... that was just a lame excuse ... it was the best I could come up with.**

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**Fade To Light**

The burning in his chest was nothing compared to the emptiness that was consuming his heart and mind. He wanted it all to be a horrible dream ... a nightmare conjured up by his traitorous subconscious ... his greatest fear come to life. It had been in his thoughts when he had turned away from her as she drove off on that motorcycle, the fear that when he actually did something real, something tangible ... she would run.

Deeks knew Kensi had to go after Michelle, she was the CIA agent's only backup as he was Sam's. The operation was heading into uncharted waters and things could fall apart in an instant. The look on his partner's face had been one of confusion, surprise, and shock that had quickly morphed into anticipation, realization, and maybe even a little hope. That image of her was imprinted on his mind as he watched them toss Sam into the pool, it had been there as he pressed his hands down on his friend's chest, trying to get him to breathe again ... and it had been there when that maniac pressed the spinning drill bit into his right-rear molar.

He had screamed as the white-hot pain shot up his jaw and through his skull. The bitter metallic taste of his own blood hadn't been able to erase her face from his mind. Even as he squirmed in that chair, Sidorov holding his head firmly as Yuri the amateur dentist destroyed years of good dental hygiene ... her beautiful face had stayed with him as he pressed his eyes closed and tried to find a happy place. Truth was ... he already had ... and he was glad that it was him strapped to that chair and not her, he knew he would not have survived finding her in the state she had found him. As her exotic mis-matched eyes danced before him, as he remembered the smell and feel of her dark hair ... that was his focus ... if he died in that chair, at least he would know what her lips tasted like ... how her breath felt as it filled his own lungs. His only regret was waiting so long before actually doing something about their 'thing' but at least he had the memories of time spent with the most awesome woman he had ever met on this earth.

In an instant, that had all changed. As the doctor leaned over him and flashed a pen light in his eyes, the only thing Deeks could see was the truth written all over Kensi's face ... the truth about her night with Sabatino ... _Why him? Why did it have to be that smug, pompous, CIA jackass? Am I really that bad that she would chose him over me? Was all the banter ... the comebacks ... the flirting ... all that I thought there was between us ... was it nothing to her? _

The pain inside him wasn't from the injuries he had incurred, the wonderful pharmaceuticals floating through his bloodstream were preventing any pain signals from reaching his brain. No, the wrenching numbness inside was from pain on a completely different level than anything physical. _I've been so wrong about us ... our 'thing'. God, I'm a fool ... I guess I always have been ... but I thought that maybe, just maybe ... a woman like Kensi Blye could fall for someone like me. I knew this would happen! I knew if I said or did anything substantial ... with real meaning ... she would run. Why in the world did I kiss her? I should have just let her go ... it would have been easier._

A voice that he hadn't heard in years filled his head ... a voice that had made a very young Martin Deeks wet his bed and cower in the corner of his closet as his heart beat frantically in his chest. Gordan John Brandel voice could penetrate walls and doors ... as well as the bones and muscles of a terrified little boy, causing him to shake and shiver. _"You're worthless Marty ... always have been ... always will be. Who in their right mind would love a sniveling, crying piece of crap like you? You wait until I get my hands on you ... I'll give you something to cry about!"_

Those words had been hurled at him for the better part of his young life ... a life filled with fists and bruises ... of pain and fear. Deeks had learned how to shut himself down, to go to a place where the pain couldn't touch him. Gordan could beat him until the room spun and he lost consciousness ... but his mind was miles away, imagining himself floating over the waves or laying on the warm sand. That was Deeks' defense mechanism; shut down and fade away until the pain stopped. He hadn't done that in years, not until he found himself strapped to a chair and a drill was forced into his mouth. But this time, the place he went wasn't the beach ... it had been a warm smile ... a set of mismatched eyes that erased everything that could possibly do him harm.

Now ... even that was gone.

_You're worthless ... she chose somebody else ... _

The imaginary beach in his mind held no comfort ... he couldn't think of the beach without seeing _her _in a black, skin-tight wet-suit. The thought of warm sand only conjured up an image of _her_ in a tiny pink bikini, a blue beach towel under her lithe form.

_You kissed her and she ran to another man ... to him!_

The thought of her wrapped in that particular man's arms ... of them kissing ... touching ... loving ... it was all more than his battered mind and body could handle.

Doctor Evans called out softly but firmly to him. "Marty ... come on Marty, stay with me."

"Respirations are thirty-six ... pulse at one-fifty-two ... bp is two-ten over one-thirty ... " Tonya was trying to maintain her composure, but deep inside she knew what those vital signs meant.

_She doesn't want you ... she never has ... never will ..._ Gordan's voice slowly morphed into one that Deeks never expected would cause him so much pain.

_I never wanted you Deeks ... I never have ... and I never will! I never wanted you Deeks ... I never have ... and I never will! _Kensi's soft voice tormented his mind until he wanted to scream, but when he went to take a breath, he felt as if his chest was caught in a vise that was slowly closing, squeezing the life out of his body.

A blackness swirled through him, clouding everything happening in the room. The lights seemed to dim and all the voices became muffled and hard to discern. There was nowhere for him to retreat to without her being there in his mind ... waiting for him ... waiting to torment him more. The darkness tugged at him and without a moment's hesitation, Deeks let it carry him away.

The frantic beeping in the room reached a chaotic level ... and then turned into a steady tone.

"He's crashing! Jesus! Get the Crash Cart over here! Tonya I need you to intubate him ... " Doctor Robert "Bob" Evans wasn't about to sit back and watch the man he had labored to stitch back together leave this world if he had anything to say about it. "We're going to shock him ... get the defib pack ready ... "

The ICU crash team came tearing down the corridor outside Deeks' room shouting for patients and staff to clear a path for them and their equipment. Several people jumped out-of-the-way, knowing exactly how serious a situation had to be for the specialized team to be in such a rush.

If Kensi had still been leaning against the wall just outside the door, they would have plowed over her ... but she wasn't there. She had sat outside his room, her head in her hands and tears streaking down her face, until she could stay no longer. It had only been a few moments since she had been kicked out but she had quickly lost track of time ... her mind lost in a darkness of it's own. With what little strength she had left, she had pulled herself to her feet and slowly staggered down the hall. She had just disappeared around the corner when the frantic page had sounded, calling for the life response team to come to the struggling detective's room.

The lonely corridor ended at a large glass window where it turned right toward a set of visitor elevators. Kensi stopped walking when her forehead pressed up against the cool glass. Outside, a light rain shower was falling and water was trickling down the outside of the window. The trails of water on the outside matched the trails on her face and cheeks. She pressed her eyes closed but the image of Deeks' broken expression remained painted on the inside of her eyelids ... and she began to wonder if it would ever leave.

As he hurried by at the other end of the hallway, Callen didn't see his younger teammate as she cried against the glass. He had been just outside the ICU, updating the rest of the team on Deeks' status when he had heard the page for the crash team to respond to the room containing the recovering detective. Quickly ending his update with Nell back at operations, Callen sprinted back toward the room that had been so full of optimism just a few moments earlier.

Casting his worry over Kensi and her strange behavior aside, the senior agent barged into Deeks' room just as Doctor Evans finished shouting "Clear!" A sharp hum filled the room, the machine sitting beside the bed made a strange, erratic beeping sound, and the smell of burning ozone reached Callen's nose. Deek's bandaged body arched up from the bed and, for a moment, it appeared like he was about to sit up and say something smart. When the humming stopped, the detective's body fell back to the mattress and the machine's tone went back to steady nothingness.

Tonya turned and noticed Callen standing just inside the door, a look of sheer anguish on his face. Knowing it would be pointless to order the man from the room, she just called out to him. "Just stay out-of-the-way ... let us do our jobs."

Callen stood frozen in place as he watched the team of nurses and doctors move a round Deeks' still form, their movements appearing as well-rehearsed dance. Doctor Evans glanced at the monitor and pressed the paddles back against the man lying in the bed. "Shock number two! Everybody clear!"

A chorus of "Clear" echoed around the room as everyone backed away from the bed, their hands held up to physically indicate that they were not touching the body or anything the body was touching.

"Shocking!" Doctor Evans shouted, sweat forming on his forehead. The machine hummed and the beeping chattered ... but this time when the humming stopped, everyone held their breath as first one beep was heard ... then another ... and then a steady set followed. An audible sigh was heard and Callen saw hope return to the people inside the room.

Doctor Evans looked up at Nurse Tonya and they shared a look that said they had cheated death one more time with this man ... and that they hoped it was the last. "Tonya ... get him back on high flow O2, check his vitals every five minutes, and make sure he didn't rip out any of his stitches. We need a new set of blood work now to see if there was any damage to the heart muscle ... I'll call down to lab myself and get them up here ASAP."

Nurse Tonya nodded and she and her teammates began to give the detective a thorough examination as Doctor Evans turned to face a truly relieved Callen. "May I speak to you out in the hallway, Agent?"

Callen nodded and let the other man lead him out. As the door closed behind them, it shocked him when the usually calm doctor whirled on him, anger and frustration clear on his face. "I'm not sure what happened to cause him to crash like that but Tonya said that the brunette woman was in there and they were having a rather heated discussion. Detective Deeks in a very precarious condition right now and I will not have anyone upsetting him or causing any more stress than he has already been through."

"I'm not sure what is going on with his partner ... she's been off since they brought him in."

The doctor was in no mood to be trifled with. "She's not my concern at this moment Agent Callen ... what is my concern is that she has apparently upset the detective to the point where he went into cardiac arrest and we almost lost him ... again." The man was the same height as Callen, but at that moment, the senior agent felt slightly cowed by the determined stance and intensity of the other man's eyes. "I will not have her jeopardizing my patient's chance of recovery ... so, from this moment on, she will not be allowed to enter his room without my express consent."

Callen took a moment to process what the doctor had just said, and how well Kensi would take the news. "Doc, she's not going to like that ... not one bit. She wants to be here for him."

Doctor Evans was not detoured in the slightest. "I don't give a damn about what she likes or wants at this moment ... she is hindering the ability of Detective Deeks to rest and recover and she is banned from his room until further notice. If she doesn't comply with my instructions, I'll have her removed from this hospital all together ... is that understood?"

When Callen bowed up a little, ready to challenge the doctor's instructions, he was cut off as Doctor Evans brought out his cell phone. "I was told by a Ms. Hetty Lange to call her if any of her agents gave me any grief while I was treating the detective. I will be more than happy to give her a call and then you can discuss your objections with her ... "

Placing his hand over the doctor's phone, Callen nodded gently. "That won't be necessary doc ... I read you."

Doctor Evans returned his phone to his pocket and met Callen's icy gaze. "I'll notify security and the nurses of my new instructions ... I think it would be better received if you spoke to your female colleague."

Thankful that the man was showing good judgement, Callen nodded in agreement, wondering how Kensi would take the news of her banishment from Deeks' room. "Yeah, you're probably right doc ... and, thanks, I do appreciate all you guys are doing for him."

With a curt nod, the doctor moved past Callen and reentered the detective's room. The senior agent blew out a long breath and then began to contemplate how he was going to break the news to Kensi. Looking around, he suddenly remembered that he hadn't seen her in the last few minutes. He suddenly feared that maybe she had left the hospital and was sinking further into the funk that was her current mood.

He took only a few steps before he caught sight of her leaning against the large window at the end of the corridor. Taking a deep breath, he squared his shoulders and marched quickly to where she was standing. The closer he got, the more his apprehension grew but he knew it had to be done soon and hopefully, Kensi would take it better coming from a friend.

Kensi her the footsteps approaching until they stopped right behind her. She didn't turn to face her guest, she just opened her eyes and looked at the man's reflection in the watery glass. The hard, confused look in his eyes didn't compel her to turn and face him ... in fact, it actually scared her to see him so intense.

"Callen?" Her voice was low and choked with emotion.

His intense gaze didn't waiver for an instant. "I need you to tell me what is going on ... right ... now."

"It's nothing ... I mean it's between me and Deeks ... it'll be okay." The words sounded empty even to her.

Callen took a step into her personal space and she knew immediately that his patience had run out. "No Kensi ... it's not okay. Whatever you did or said sent him into cardiac arrest ... they had to resuscitate him just a few moments ago."

Her face fell and her heart ached ... she'd almost lost him again ... and she wasn't even there. Spinning quickly, she went to slip around Callen but he reached out and grabbed her arm.

"Let me go ... I need to see Deeks!" She struggled but his grip only grew stronger. "Callen! Let me go!"

Callen grabbed her other arm as it came at his face and he shoved her up against the wall, hard enough that her back hurt. "NO! You're going to listen to me ... right now." She tensed for a moment, but when her eyes met his, she saw a determination she had rarely seen in her team leader, and she thought that whatever was driving him to do this, she had better listen. He felt he body relax a small amount, and decided that it was good enough. "The doctor says that whatever you and Deeks were discussing caused this episode ... and I want to know what is was about."

Kensi looked down at the floor, and a lone tear fell between her shoes. "It's none of your business ... it's between me and Deeks."

"Bullshit! Whatever this is ... it's tearing you two apart! Deeks is in there fighting for his life again and I need to know what the hell is going on between you two ... NOW!" He was growing frustrated with the woman he considered to be his little sister and he was almost to the point of losing his temper.

Her sincere plea almost broke his resolve. "Callen ... please ... I can't ... "

Callen felt a tug at his heart, but he had to shut off his emotions to do what was best for the entire team ... especially Deeks. "Can't ... or won't?"

Kensi grasped his forearms as if she needed his strength to stay standing, more tears falling from her face. She looked up at him and he knew that whatever had happened, simple words were not going to repair it. "Come on, Kensi ... what happened? Is it about the torture?" It sickened him to even say the words, but he felt he had no other choice.

A simple shake of her head was her only answer.

"Then what is it?" He lowered his tone, trying to sound like a friend and not an irate federal agent. "Why didn't you want to be there when Deeks woke up?" Placing a gentle hand on her shoulder, he gave he a reassuring squeeze. "Come on Kensi ... what's going on?"

She brought her hand up to her mouth to stifle the sob that threatened to escape as the tears grew in intensity. Emotions were not something she liked to deal with ... when something affected her that way, she just bottled it all up and went down to the range and fired off a few clips or she beat the hell out of an unlucky punching bag. Baring her soul was not something she could do ... but at this moment, she couldn't stop it either.

Callen felt his heart tug in his chest at the broken woman before him, he had never seen her in this state in all the years he had known her and it was starting to scare him. "Look ... this is all on me Kensi. If I hadn't tried to use Janvier to pull off the nuke deal ... he wouldn't have turned on Sam ... Sidorov never would have known what was happening until he was on his way to prison. It was just blind luck that got Deeks shot ... but he's strong ... he'll pull through."

Kensi wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and finally looked up at her friend. The guilt and anguish she saw in his steel-blue eyes made her heart ache even more. She grabbed his forearms and held on tight. "No Callen ... this mess is on me ... if I hadn't left him in that chair ... if I hadn't run away ... oh God!" She closed her eyes and let him pull her against his chest.

Callen's mind was racing through the events of that day when they had wheeled Deeks into the emergency room. Then he remembered that shortly after that, Kensi had vanished from where the rest of the team was waiting for Deeks to recover in the ICU. The anger in Kensi's eyes, the way she tore herself away from him after blurting about how she couldn't go through that ... that she didn't want to care about Deeks anymore ... that it hurt too much.

"I've messed this up so badly ... I can't fix it ... what have I done?" She was babbling against the front of his shirt, her tears wetting the skin underneath.

Callen grabbed her by her shoulders and pulled her back enough so he could look in her eyes. "Kensi ... when you left the hospital that night ... where did you go?"

She lowered her head and began to twist away from his grasp, but he only held on tighter. "No! You're not running this time ... where ... did ... you ... go?"

"I ... I ... I needed to get away ... away from here ... I wanted the pain to stop ... "

Callen eased his death grip on her upper arms and hoped she would finally tell him what was happening. She took a stuttering breath, but her words were confusing. "I needed a drink ... needed to try to catch my breath ... he took me out to a bar ... "

"Who took you? Kensi?"

The words were falling from her mouth before she even realized she had thought about them. "Agent ... Agent Sabatino."

Callen held his tongue on criticizing her choice in drinking companion, she was finally talking and he didn't want to spook her. "So, you two went to get a drink ... anything else?" When she lowered her head and the sobs came back, Callen knew something had indeed happened. Anger, pure and hot, bubbled up inside him. "If that ass did something inappropriate ... I'll kill him!"

Kensi shook her head as she continued to cry. "No ... it wasn't him ... well, it wasn't just him."

"What are you talking about?" He was now totally confused and quickly running out of patience. Taking a deep breath as he held his sobbing friend at arm's length, he let his intuitive mind run through all the possible scenarios that could lead to Kensi's current emotional state. _She went with him to get a drink ... he's a smarmy ass ... she was an emotional wreck ... she wanted to forget about her feelings for Deeks ... she wanted the pain to stop for a little while ... she was gone for several hours ... when she showed up here, she was hostile and mopey ... when Deeks started to wake up, she looked ... well, she looked ashamed ... she's been hiding something ... OH. MY. GOD! _After all of those thoughts ran through his mind, none of which made any more sense out of the situation ... it clicked.

"You _slept _with him?" The words were almost spat out, like they tasted bad.

For a moment, she didn't make any move to answer ... but then her sobs stopped as she took a breath ... then she nodded her head, feeling her entire body go cold. "Oh God Callen! I'm so sorry ... I ... I can't believe I did that ... "

He felt the air in the hallway thicken at her confession and, and for a moment, he was completely at a loss as to what to do or say. Kensi's sobs grew in intensity and her entire body was shaking ... Callen knew she was about to really lose it this time and he wanted to say something comforting, but he was still in shock over her confession.

"Kensi ... my God ... what have you done?"

He knew she cared for Deeks, maybe more than she should with the lives that they lived, but he had learned a long time ago that the heart wanted what the heart wanted ... and nothing could stop it sometimes. This 'thing' between the younger agents of his team had been building for years now, nothing had been able to derail it ... until now. "Deeks knows ... that's why he got so upset ... "

"I know ... I didn't mean for him to find out ... for any of this to happen ... " She was holding onto him as if he was the only thing holding her up, her legs had long ago lost their strength. "He was laying in there ... practically dead ... and I went out ... and ... and ... "

"Fucked Sabatino ... geez Kensi ... "

She threw her head into her hands, her dark hair billowing around her shoulders. "I know ... I know ... I screwed up ... big time."

"That's putting it mildly, don't you think? What's gotten into you Kensi ... you're not normally this reckless."

She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I don't know ... I'm just ... I don't know ... " He let her go and she slumped back against the wall, wiping at her eyes and face, her hands coming away soaked with fresh tears. She looked at her friend with pleading eyes. "What am I going to do now Callen? What am I going to do?"

G. Callen met her mismatched eyes and tried to understand what was going through her head. He knew that one team member making stupid mistakes in the field could get you shot or even killed, but one that was making emotional decisions that were damaging an already fragile teammate could prove disastrous in more ways than one. The time had come for him to make the tough calls ... sometimes being team leader really had its bad moments.

He reached out and touched her firmly on the shoulder. "Listen, Kensi ... I need to tell you this now, okay?" She nodded then sniffled softly. "Look, whatever happened ... happened, alright? But the doctor was pretty pissed that whatever you did upset Deeks so much that he's banning you from his room until further notice ... "

"The HELL he is! Just let him try to stop me!"

"Kensi! I don't think it'll do Deeks any good for you to be there ... it'll probably just upset him more and in his current physical state ... he needs to stay calm ... give him time to recuperate for a while."

Kensi turned her eyes on her team leader and he swore he saw his life flash before his eyes. "What ... what are you saying? Callen?"

"I'm saying that I agree with the doc's orders ... you need to leave ... "

Kensi felt her world continue to fall apart around her. "Callen ... please ... "

He stood his ground against one of the few women on the planet that actually scared him. "No Kensi ... you need to go ... go home ... shower ... go to the office ... anywhere but here. Let everything settle down a little bit ... maybe things will be better in a few days."

"NO! Screw you Callen ... I'm staying!"

Callen drew himself up to his full height. "Don't forget who you are talking to Agent Blye! Don't make this any harder than it already is. Get out of here ... that's an order!" He watched her face contort as she thought about fighting this some more, but then her features softened and new tears started to fall.

"G ... please ... I need to be close to him ... "

Callen shook his head firmly. "I'm sorry Kensi, but I think it's best if you give Deeks plenty of space for now ... I'm not sure how this is all going to work out, but it'll be better if you both take a breather ... see what happens."

She let her eyes plead her case for a few moments more and when she saw the resolve in his eyes, she slowly let her anger fade. "Please Callen ... stay with him ... let me know the minute anything changes."

"I promise ... we'll watch after him for you." It surprised him when she leaned into him and let him give her a strong hug. Pressing a soft kiss to her temple, he squeezed her once more and then turned them toward the elevators, his arm still around her shoulders. Neither spoke, the only sounds where the clicks of their heels on the floor and Kensi's soft sniffles.

Callen pressed the 'down' button and a few moments later, the bell sounded and the doors opened slowly. Kensi stepped into the elevator and pressed the button for the ground floor as she tried to smile bravely for her friend ... she failed miserably.

Giving her his most confident smile, Callen hoped that she would actually be able to keep herself occupied so that the guilt and shame didn't eat her up. He knew soon Hetty would want an update and that would probably go over like a hand grenade in a closet. There was nothing in the "Field Agent's Handbook" that covered this.

"It'll be okay, Kensi ... these things have a way of working themselves out. It may take some time ... but it work itself out."

Kensi tried to look brave but, in the end, she just looked defeated and sad. "I hope you're right Callen ... I really do. I ... I don't know what I'll do if I lose him, I can't ... I can't ... "

The doors slipped closed, cutting her off and leaving her alone with her tears. The pain she was feeling was nothing like she had ever experienced. Losing her father at a young age had devastated her ... but she had survived. Waking up alone on that Christmas morning showed her that a heart can break more than once. She had lost a partner and friend when Dom had bled out on that roof, tearing away another piece of her heart. All that pain had flowed through her like a soft breeze compared to the tornado that was tearing away at her soul.

Kensi moved back against the back wall, her vision blurred by the tears that wouldn't stop falling. She looked up and caught her reflection in the metal doors and she thought it was fitting. The image was exactly how she felt ... blurry and out of focus, like she was fading away into nothing. At that moment, she wish she could do just that, vanish without leaving a trace of her existence. If that could happen, maybe then she wouldn't keep hurting the ones she loved the most ... especially the man who was her partner, her friend, her oh-so-much-more.

She tried to think of happier times with Deeks ... but all she could see in her mind's eye was the look on his face when he had realized what she had done with ... well ... that man. The blue of his eyes had dulled until they were almost grey and the sparkle had left his smile. He had looked like a little boy who had lost everything he held dear in his heart. The fact that she alone had been the cause of that look of pain and loss ... was more than she could bear.

All the losses of her life paled when compared to the one she was experiencing now. The hollowness she felt in her soul carved away part of her she knew she would never see again. It had become a vapor ... a mist that when the morning came, would fade to light.

...


	6. Semblance of Equilibrium

**A/N: I've run into a little problem with writing this story. Don't worry ... I'm not stopping ... this is just way too much fun. But I am going to pace myself better. With writing two stories (Aunt Hetty and The Broken Road), I began to let one slide while I focused on the other ... mainly TBR over AH ... and I was doing a disservice to my faithful AH readers. So here's the deal ... I will alternate between the two stories, posting chapters for each one in turn rather than writing a few for each as I go. **

**This chapter for The Broken Road will have to tide you over until I can post another one for Aunt Hetty. I hope that will help satisfy all of my wonderful readers who mean the world to me.**

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**Semblance of Equilibrium**

_Darkness. _

_That is what filled the mind of Marty Deeks. His body felt awake and strong ... like he was invincible ... bulletproof. But his vision was foggy, like he was looking through a dark mist ... the harder he looked, the less defined his surroundings became._

_So, he let the darkness consume him. It washed through him like an arctic breeze that went straight to his bones and left him numb._

_Even though blackness surrounded him, he could hear something in the distance. It was undefined, like it was muffled by the air itself but it was enough of a noise to start to aggravate him. He strained his ears ... reaching out ... trying to discern what it was._

_It started to become clearer and then he recognized it ... and then he tried with all that he had to shut it out._

_A drill. _

_It was one of those high-speed ones ... like a Dremel tool or like the one that had terrified him as a small child when he heard it through the door at the dentist's office._

_In a flash ... that's where he was ... a small blonde haired boy waiting his to have a cavity filled that had shown up in his annual dental x-ray. He wasn't too worried, the dentist was a kindly older man who made the silliest faces and came up with the dumbest jokes that still made an ten-year old boy laugh. _

_The door opened and a pretty blonde woman called out his name. He walked over to the door and the woman smiled down at him with white teeth, the name 'Monica' written on the tag on her chest. "Well Martin ... you've grown some since the last time you were here." A slight swelling of pride formed in his young heart at the kind words as she led him to the last room in the hallway. She started to help him into the chair but he wasn't going to let her think he was still just a little boy. He clambered up, a silly grin on his face when she giggled softly at him._

_Soon, anesthesia had been administered and his lower jaw was completely numb. The dentist had made some joke about what a dentist sees at the north pole ... a _molar_ bear of course. Yeah, it was stupid but little Martin thought it was hilarious. _

_As he waited for the dentist as his assistant to finish prepping the items needed to fix the hole in his tooth, Martin let his eyes close and his body relax. Then the high-pitched sound of the drill filled his ears. He had never been afraid of that sound before ... but this time, it filled him with a sense of dread ... like something was different._

_A strong hand wrapped around his jaw and even with it numb, he felt the bone begin to ache under the forceful grip. Another arm wrapped over his forehead and his head was suddenly completely trapped and he was unable to move. He struggled a little but his small body didn't have the strength to get loose. Opening his eyes, he saw that the aged dentist was no longer there ... he had been replaced by a mean looking man who had an evil sneer on his face. An even more sinister man was holding his head down against the soft backrest._

_Marty looked down and saw that the drill was getting closer to his mouth ... but it wasn't the small precise dental drill ... it had morphed into one similar to the one sitting on the workbench in their garage. The bit grew larger as it came within inches of his mouth which was now held open by a metal brace that dug into his lips and gums._

_He thrashed in the padded chair but the arms holding him only grew stronger. He tried to scream but it came out as a gurgled moan. Looking up at the man holding his head in place, he saw that his lips were moving but it took a few moments for the words to have sound. The words had a strange sound to them ... like the bad guy in the new James Bond movie._

_"Is Quinn an agent? Is Quinn an agent? Is Quinn an agent ... " _

_The man just kept repeating that question and all Marty could think to mumble out from behind the stinging metal in his mouth was "Who is Quinn? I don't know anybody named 'Quinn'."_

_Then the drill pressed against his right rear molar ... white-hot pain shot through his jaw and across his entire head. He struggled and screamed but the drill bit pushed harder against the enamel until a sickening cracking sound was heard. The already intense fire in his mouth soared to unbelievable levels as the cold metal drove into the raw nerve of the shattered tooth._

_The ceiling spun in a circle and Marty thought he was going to vomit and his entire body reacted to what was happening to a small point in his mouth. He pressed his eyes closed and tried to squirm out of the death grip the arms had him in._

_"Is Quinn an agent? Is Quinn an agent? Is Quinn an agent ... " Over and over the question was asked as more pain radiated along his cheeks and face._

_Then something changed again. The voice became deeper and there was a different accent to it ... like the one the new kid in his class at school had ... the one who had just moved from somewhere near New York. When Marty opened his eyes and looked up, he saw the man's features had changed ... he now had longer darker hair and his skin was a light brown ... but his eyes were just as dark and cold._

_The drill pulled away from his tooth and a cool soft hand touched his cheek. Marty looked down and saw that the mean man with the drill in his hand had been replaced with a pretty dark-haired woman with strange eyes. One was darker than the other and, for some reason, when she smiled at him ... his heartbeat skipped a beat or two._

_"Come on Marty baby ... tell us ... is Quinn and agent?" Her voice was as smooth as velvet and made his entire body tingle. _

_He couldn't answer ... he couldn't even think straight as he watched her move the drill back between his lips and press its spinning bit into his already destroyed tooth. It stayed there until he started to see white spots dancing in front of his eyes and when he thought he was about to pass out ... it pulled back. _

_The soft hand returned to his aching jaw and the sweet voice purred in his ear. _

_"Come on Deeks ... tell us ... is Quinn an agent?" There was a pause and then the question changed. "Deeks ... you're weak ... you will always be weak ... you're just a cop ... not even an agent ... you're worthless ... "_

_Deeks fought to come out of his nightmare but he was too far deep into it for it to end quickly. He struggled toward conciousness but the grip of the vision was still too strong._

_In his dream, when he opened his eyes ... he was now in his adult body and he was tied to a metal chair, blood dripping down his chin onto his tattered jeans. He sensed movement to his front, so he slowly raised his head until he could see the two people standing in front of him. _

_Kensi._

_Sabatino._

_She was speaking and, once again, it took a few seconds for the words to have sounds. _

_"I never wanted you ... you're just a cop ... we're agents ... you're nothing to me ... " As she spoke, she curled her lithe body around the man standing with her ... his hands slipping over the curves of her sides down to her hips and around to her ass which she ground into his touch._

_"If you were a real man ... I wouldn't have turned to him ... " She kissed Sabatino firmly on the mouth ... their lips making soft wet sounds as they danced across each other. Deeks watched as Kensi let her hands fall to the front of Sabatino's shirt, ripping it open and sending buttons across the floor. _

_She continued to talk as she kissed her way across the man's chest. "You're broken Deeks ... and I need someone strong to take care of me ... to _**take **_me ... " Sabatino grabbed her t-shirt and with one quick jerk, snatched it and her bra off her chest. As soon as her breasts were free, his mouth closed over her right nipple, causing a moan of sheer pleasure to come from her throat._

_"You see Deeks ... I have made my decision ... you are pathetic ... useless ... you waited too long to do anything ... " Kensi and Sabatino were soon both naked ... their bodies tangled together on the floor and she was grunting enthusiastically along with every thrust of his hips. _

_Deeks struggled against the chair ... his body burning and his mind blinded by what he couldn't turn away from. He found his voice and over the moaning coming form the man and woman at his feet ... he screamed. _

_"KKKeeeennnnnssssiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!"_

...

For two days, Marty Deeks danced in and out of conciousness. He would stir for a moment or two, open his eyes and then, just as quickly, fall back into oblivion. The doctors kept reassuring Callen that this was normal after all the physical and emotional trauma he had suffered through. The senior agent held another opinion though and it was a much darker one. He feared that the young detective was refusing to return to the conscious world because of the pain that continued to be heaped upon his already damaged mind. The torture was one thing ... the truth about Kensi and Sabatino was something totally different.

Callen leaned back into the very uncomfortable hospital chair that he had moved to one corner of the detective's room. In this location, the agent could monitor the man laying in the bed and the door at the same time. He hadn't regretted sending Kensi away a few days ago, hoping that she would finally begin to get her equilibrium back ... but now he wasn't so sure if either one of them would fully recover without the help of the other.

He still couldn't understand why Kensi had done what she had. Callen knew that stressful situations often made strange bedfellows and he couldn't deny that he had climbed into bed with some woman, just so he could forget the pain for a short time. Sometimes, finding comfort in someone's arm was just what was needed to put the demons back in the closet and then you could deal with the horrors that the world held.

But this 'thing' with Kensi and Deeks had been destined for a wonderous outcome. He had watched as they had started off as partners, their shields up and on full strength ... but after a few months, he had seen cracks start to form in both of them. Kensi had become more relaxed and less uptight about every little detail that didn't fit into her plans. Deeks had left a lot of his 'I operate on my own' attitude and had ingrained himself as part of their little family. Changes that not only enhanced the other person, but also brought a stronger dynamic to the entire team ... and now that dynamic was tilted on its axis. If this issue couldn't be resolved between the two of them, there would be serious consequences not only for them as partners, but for the rest of the team as well.

Callen was shaken from his thoughts by a soft knock at the door. He smiled warmly as his partner's bald head popped through the small opening, a huge smile on his face. He nodded toward the sleeping man. "Hey G., is it okay if I come in?"

"Sure thing Sam." The senior agent was glad that his partner had seemingly recovered fully from his traumatic injuries and had been back to his usual over-protective self. Sam had also come by everyday to check on the detective, Michelle had stopped by almost as much.

The big SEAL walked gingerly over to the bedside and placed a comforting hand on the mop of blonde hair. "I see sleeping beauty is still using up all of his sick days."

That brought a slight chuckled from Callen. "He's been moving around a lot more in his sleep today ... doctors say that's a good sign."

"Yeah ... I hope so." The tender way the big agent spoke, touched Callen deeply. "I ... I really need for him to wake up ... I've got some things to say to him ... clear up a mistake on my part."

"What kind of mistake?"

Sam eyes were wet around the edges when he looked over at his friend. "Mistakes I made about judging a book by its cover ... making assumptions about what makes a man by just looking on the outside."

Callen shrugged his shoulders. "Sorry ... but you've lost me."

Sam's next words were strained with anger and remorse. "I judged him based on the way he looks ... the way he keeps his hair. My God G. ... I made him feel worthless because he wasn't up to my standards ... I told him I didn't trust him because of that!"

Now, the pieces started to fall into place. Callen nodded in understanding. "I trusted Javier just because he gave me his word ... even after all the things he had done. I feel for a lie and it almost cost me two of my best friends ... you're not the only one who screwed up Sam."

"But that's just it G. ... after all the times Deeks has come through for us ... you, me, Kensi ... I treated him like he was just somebody I just met ... like I didn't trust him." Sam wiped at tear that was threatening to fall form his eye. "And then he was tied to that chair and they were drilling his teeth ... and he was screaming that he didn't know who Michelle was ... after all that, I still thought he had given her up."

The room fell into a somber silence as the two men listened to the soft breathing of their unconscious friend.

When Sam spoke again, his voice was low and his eyes fixed on Deeks' bruised face. "I've done things over the years for which I am ashamed ... but there is nothing in my life that I regret more than the way I have treated him."

Callen stood and moved to the opposite side of the bed, his heart pounding in his chest. "I trusted a man that I should never have ... "

"And I never trusted a man that deserved it most of all." Sam leaned forward and sighed heavily as he grasped the detective's limp hand. "But I owe him everything ... I owe him for forever ... he protected my wife by letting them do that to him when I had just told him I didn't even like him. What kind of man does that for someone who just trashed his character G.?"

"A good one Sam ... a very good man."

As the two senior agents looked down at their friend, there was a sudden shift on the bed and a soft moan escaped from the blonde detective. Sam leaned over, the hopeful look on his face matching the one on his partner's. "Deeks? Wake up man ... come on ... break time is over."

"Mmmm pphh ... "

Shaking his head, the big agent tenderly squeezed the patient's hand. "What was that?"

Deeks stirred again and his eye lids parted slightly as he tried to shake the cobwebs from his head. With a voice hoarse from disuse, the familiar surfer drawl came through. "I know Don't Ask Don't Tell has been repealed ... but really Sam ... people will start to talk."

Sam's smile almost broke his face and he squeezed his friend's hand firmer this time. "You wish Shaggy."

Callen patted Deeks' shoulder as head headed toward the door. "I'll go find the doctor ... he'll need to check him out."

Deeks tried to sit up but he quickly realized his battered body was in no condition to move very far. "Owww ... well, that still hurts."

"Easy ... you've been laying here so long, it'll take some time before you're ready to go surfing again."

Deeks coughed softly but that only added to the burning sensation in his chest. "You're a funny man Agent Hannah." Taking a moment to catch his breath, the injured man felt the world around him finally start to fall into place. "How long was I out this time?"

"About two days ... give or take a bit."

"Geez ... it feels more like a year."

Sam released his friend's hand and eased back for the bed, his muscled arms crossed over his chest. "Deeks? Before the doc gets here ... I need to tell you something."

Deeks' mind was still fuzzy, but he knew where this was headed. "No you don't ... "

"Yes ... I do."

Deeks let his eyes go to the ceiling tiles over his head, the emotions that were bubbling up were tearing away at his self-control and he felt the need to make a statement before the man standing beside him said something that made him lose it all together.

Sam waited patiently for Deeks to look back in his direction, he wanted to address him eye-to-eye ... man-to-man. He could see the struggle going on within the detective, like there was something he had to say also ... and it was about to break him to actually form the words.

"Sam ... " The way his name was said with such raw emotion, the former SEAL felt his heart clinch in his chest. Before he had time to process the meaning behind it, the blonde haired man continued.

"I ... I don't know if I can ... if I can do this anymore ... I never thought I'd have to go through something like that ... I'm not sure ... "

The words faded and Sam let the silence return to the room. He watched Deeks reach up and squeezed his eyes shut with his fingers, tears were forced out and ran down his cheeks.

"Deeks?"

A soft sniffle. "Yeah?"

Sam stepped up and put all of his sincerity behind his next word.

"Bullshit."

A shocked Marty Deeks just glared up at the man beside him. "What?"

"You listen to me ... you are stronger than anyone of us ever gave you credit for ... especially me. I watched what they did to you ... they called you the weaker one ... they thought you would break ... and for awhile, I thought the same thing. But the more they hurt you ... the stronger you got." Sam watched as his words began to sink into the other man. "You've made us better agents ... better people ... and I don't know what I would have done if we'd lost you."

Tears now stained the wounded detective's cheeks and the more he wiped them away ... more fell.

"Sam ... I don't know what to say ... I just don't know what to do anymore ... " He wasn't just referring to the torture and how the trauma from that would likely haunt him for the rest of his life. Images of his team flashed through his mind ... Eric and his silly whistles ... Nell with her sweet smile ... Hetty with her stoic expressions that covered sweet emotions ... Callen's steel-gray eyes that seemed to look right through you ... Sam and his charming smile ... Kensi and her beautiful eyes that ... he cut off that last thought before it went any further. Out of all the faces running through his head ... hers was the only one to cause him pain that started deep in his soul and radiated out to every part of him.

The dream that started with him as a boy at the dentist's office and morphed into a sick nightmare was something he faced everytime he closed his eyes. The white-hot pain that the drill had inflicted on him was nothing compared to how his heart shattered every time he felt the pain of her betrayal. He would rather work at a dentist's office and hear that sound all day long than to spend one more moment picturing her with Sabatino.

Shaking these thoughts out of his head, he looked up at his teammate who had a pleading look in his eyes. Deeks realized that he hadn't allowed Sam to say what he seemed determined to say ... and maybe it would get his mind off of the one person that should have been by his side was someone he wasn't sure if he ever wanted to see again.

Sam gave his forearm and gentle but reassuring squeeze. "You'll get through this ... I know you will." The utter confidence in those words filled Deeks with a slight bit of hope that he would indeed get through this.

A set of ocean blue eyes met a pair of chocolate-colored ones, emotions clear in each one. "You had something you wanted to say before, didn't you?" Sam nodded, hoping that whatever Deeks was holding back, he would at least listen to the rest of his words. "Okay ... go ahead."

Sam didn't waste anytime with pointless words. "I'm sorry man ... I am so sorry for what I said to you ... for the way I've treated you ever since you became our liason ... I'm sorry for calling you 'temp' ... I'm sorry for treating you like less of a man because you don't operate like I think you should ... for making fun of your hair, the way you look ... and most of all ... I am sorry for not trusting you." A tear fell from each of the big man's eyes and he made no attempt to wipe them away, he wasn't ashamed to show his heart to his friend, not anymore. "I'm so sorry ... I have no right to ask this of you but can you ever forgive me?"

Deeks felt his chest tighten and it wasn't from all the trauma he had suffered. In his wildest dreams, he never though he would see Sam Hannah as vulnerable ... this broken ... as he was witnessing at that moment. Not sure what to say, he raised his hand out to the other man, IVs and stitches be damned.

Sam looked down and saw the effort it was taking for Deeks to lift his hand toward him. Using both of his, the agent clasped the other man's hand in his own, hoping the firm grip would convey the sincerity of his words. There was a moment of silence before the detective finally spoke, tears on his own cheeks. "It's all good Sam ... we're good."

"We're good? You're sure? Because I owe you forever man ... I mean it."

"Thanks Sam ... yeah, we're good." Deeks squeezed his friend's hand as hard as he could, but he was sure the handshake didn't really have any strength in it ... from his end anyway. "See? I knew my charming personality would eventually wear you down big guy."

Sam was about to respond with an even better quip when the door was pushed open by a rather excited Doctor Evans.

"Well ... good day to you Detective. I'm glad you decided to finally stop this ridiculously long nap you've been taking." Doctor Bob Evans walked over and began to scan Deeks' face and eyes, his penlight already coming up to the man's face.

"Aww ... come on Doc! Still with the light in the eyes ... really?" Deeks tried to sound annoyed but he kept his eyes open so the doc could take a peak at them.

Sam stepped back from the bed as two nurses stepped up to adjust and check the monitors around the bed. "I'll be out in the hallway."

"Sam?"

Just at the door, the muscled agent stopped and turned back toward the sound of his name. "Yeah Deeks?" There was a look of sincere gratitude in the detective's eyes when they locked on his.

"Thanks Sam ... you don't know how much that means to me."

Sam Hannah had been many things throughout his life ... decorated Navy SEAL ... CIA agent ... Special Agent with NCIS ... but never a real softy when emotions were in the mix.

Until now.

"Yes I do ... and I will never make the same mistake again." And with that, he smiled broadly and slipped out of the room.

Deeks lay back and answered all the doctor's questions as if he was on autopilot. Yes, his name is Martin Andrew Deeks ... yes, his birthday is January 8th, 1979 ... yes, his dog's name is Monty ... and, yes ... he worked for a scary little woman by the name of Henrietta Lange. Doctor Evans finished checking all of his vital signs, a fresh heart EKG, and a new batch of blood work ... all the results were positive and that meant, barring any complications, Deeks' body was beginning to recover.

His mental state was an entirely different matter and Doctor Bob's experience with PTSD was negligible ... but he could still see that the detective was struggling with everything he had experienced. The distant look in the injured man's eyes spoke volumes about the storm raging on the inside.

"Everything looks good Detective ... the nurses will keep a close watch over you for the next twelve hours but I don't see any issues at this moment. Your chest tube is clear so we'll probably remove that sometime this afternoon. You need rest and time to let your body finish healing itself." Doctor Evans made a few notations on his clipboard before folding his arms across his chest. "Do you have any questions for me?"

Deeks cleared his throat and gave the man standing beside his bed, his patented 'sad-puppy-dog' look. "When do you think I'll be able to bust out of this joint?"

Doctor Evans chuckled lightly. "I'm sure that after all you have been through, you are ready to be done with hospitals ... but we have to make sure your chest injury is a little more healed up before we cut you lose." The disappointed look on the detective's face touched him more than he expected, so he thought he'd give him something to focus on. "Listen, I'll make you a deal ... you rest, do what the nurses tell you too, and get stronger ... and I'll get you out of here as soon as possible. Deal?" He held out his right hand and it surprised him how fast the other man shook it.

"You've got a deal doc ... I'll do my part."

They finished shaking hands and just before he left the room, Doctor Evans turned back to the man in the bed. "It might help me get you out of here sooner if I knew you had someone to stay with once you left ... you'll have a long road ahead of you and I'd feel better if someone would be around to keep an eye on you if you needed some help."

A few weeks ago, there would have been no question as to who that person would have been. She would have been his first choice ... she still was. He would pick her over anyone else on the planet to be with him. But now ... the thought of seeing her, hearing her voice, being close to her ... was enough to cause his anxiety level to increase and it was indicated by the increased beeping from the heart monitor. His mind had cleared enough for the pain of what had happened to come crashing back into him. Deeks knew if he didn't control his emotions, Doctor Evans would keep him here forever.

Seeing an anguished look pass over his patient's face, Doctor Evans took a tentative step toward the bed. "Detective? Are you feeling okay?"

_Breathe Deeks ... just breathe ... control it ... don't let it control you. _

Deeks could feel the tightness crossing his chest once more ... and he wanted nothing more than to slip back into the darkness of oblivion where she couldn't hurt anymore. Taking a deep calming breath, he let some of the anxiety go as he blew the air out of his sore lungs. "Yeah ... Doc, I'm good."

The beeping from the heart monitor returned to a more reasonable level and Doctor Evans realized that the patient's emotional state was still quite precarious. He watched the man take several deep breaths and slowly regain control, a semblance of equilibrium returning.

"So, do you have someone you can stay with while you recover?" He hadn't heard the door open and softly close behind him as he spoke.

Deeks was looking up at the ceiling, searching his mind for an answer that would get him out of the hospital as soon as was possible. "I ... er ... well maybe I could ... "

A firm voice came from the foot of the bed, it was strong and filled with confidence.

"It's alright ... he'll be staying with me."

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**A/N: Don't hate me for the cliffhanger ... it was so perfect I couldn't resist.**

**Semper Fi**

**JS**


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